yo...another diary...
We are a few days away from finishing precious theatre. It's been a solid 2 months I think of grind.
Up online currently... is a selection of screenshots we picked out last night.
heres the link.....
I blew my fuse a few times working on it... because it's typical of me to overwork.
In the spirit of some of the older diaries... some of the off days recovering the fuse was spent doing some diggz...
I'll start the diary with those because it's for the sweettooths...
I had no new ideas for what theme to investigate so I resumed my usual old 3d chinese... as it turns out, most of those seemingly chinese titles are taiwanese..
I got heavily stuck on the monopoly games.. "richman" or "rich4" etc.. But that was a sign I had to just eat it all up!
another recently unveiled interest of mine (or a focus for digging you could say) is concept arts that were not intended to be seen...
My favorite example are some of the okage sketches online.. they are just very simple sketches.. I can't say they are polished or fancy..
the very first drawing of sonic also fits into this category for me
these sorts of concept arts are really special to me.. because they are humbling or something... easier to wrap my head around for myself as an artist.
its like, alot of the time, basic building blocks are hidden from view... most of the time, you are always presented with the final object..
You never get to see (without investigation) the process..
Although these might not fit that bill... it made me realize I was interested in those sketchy rough things...
when really powerful ideas are in their roughest womblike form..
I landed on WERTA BEST just by chance again... who is uploading all sorts of extremely obscure things...
really facinating stuff imo...
It's one of those plugs that person has access to... they referred to their spot like the lab?
to me its like... you can't search this... like how you say you can't make this up...
some more hentai moods...
one title that made me unusually obsessed (for whatever reason) that I drew some of the charas...
something something GOGO something something.
this girl in particular I got really obsessed with... she lives in a well? or comes out of one.. and she has a cute cellphone...
this vn stood out to me mostly just because it has 3d backgrounds....<3
forget who this is lol
on a random impulse did some searches on vietnamese as well. we came up with some old pokemon bootlegs... kawaii games..
they are honestly very cute.
Also recently, on a more personal note.. I've been preparing myself to begin work on ep3 again...
my heart and mind has been all over the place to work on A:N...
I've been asking myself alot of penetrating thoughts... for creative purposes...
Its a habit of mine to over analyze... but I really want to make sure I'm applying myself in the right places... pushing the right pressure points.
Many times I say to myself things like, I'm this, I'm that... this is the final answer!
I'm devoting to 3D!<~ something I said when I made ep1 and 2...
in the past I've said things like... I'm just a painter! I'm just a musician! /f forever!
i would work with those mediums as far as I could until I would lose interest or it would stop serving me...
perhaps its a symptom of hunger... wanting to be super powerful....
shoot myself in the foot, it has nothing to do with just enjoying oneself, having fun and being happy..
Still can't help it... works of art that have very intense effect on society are very interesting to me and I often make myself study works that resonate in this nature...
Recently, the examples that have attracted me are things like the human condition and most recently 'the birth of a nation'
I don't know what i'm after with those lines of thought... is it egotism? to want to strive to have a big impact?
or feeling like, unless you make something as powerful as that, are you worth anything at all?
I try really hard to shelf those thoughts and I often just say well American society programmed me to think in this way..
precisely why the opening speech in Patton really rings a bell deep in my soul...because that feeling was instilled into me...
how americans Love a winner and detest the very idea of losing..
That makes so much sense in this business society... it's all about winning. people worship the winner...
losing is terrifying... yet, failure is essential part of art making so... how do you navigate that emotionally / spiritually / financially?
its just a meandering oodle of thoughts that have no point or really any place to get to
I tend to hide raw thoughts because I don't ever want to be another person whining on the internet or seem like that...
Because I'm not complaining, I'm just interested in how to be happy as an artist who lives in this society..
often times, it feels like evertyhing is geared against the artist and I instinctually blame the business culture that is dominant the same way heteronormativity rules.
its too easy to get into some heated emotional vibrations about how the internet is playing a role in all this pressure mounting...
The latest brainwash unto the self I've been ritualizing is 'I'm a writer!' <~ necessary I think for visual novel making...
So alot of my heart and soul has departed from ideas of striving to be some amazing 3d modeller...
or striving to be some next level anime artist... or striving to be some insane composer... or striving to be some insane painter...
recently its become more important than anything else to worry about story...
there was a director I was studying, in line with following the scent of artworks that had a big impact.. likely related to patton I can't remember right now though...
I just remember the quote from the director that the older he got the more he realized that it was all about story, that was the most important thing, and everything else was secondary.
that really shook my heart up...
I think this identification really helped me focus more...
in the past i used to think writing thoughts were too CGI, only expensive 3d studios could realize them but in a way.. sometimes those visualizations can act like a robbery of the imagination..
Precious theatre taught me alot about that power... or I first really realized it when playing subahibi.. there's the scene on the rooftop (go figure) when the power cuts out across the city
It could have been some big dramatic filmic moment but it was just a line of text
dunno, that shit really hit me inside... like really deep inside... that deep place I don't think any medium is capable of getting to or, it's a very unique feeling that I only experience with writing..
I guess it's this give and take, but instead of handing your package back through the medium, you give it back upwards into god or whatever might be your outflow.
this is a huge handful of thoughts and ideas and belly growls...
since ep3 script is mostly written... I've been planning the next story I'm eager to write.
Mammoth is a novella I already wrote a while back... I decided it wasn't finished...
I have been planning the book2 for mammoth or... the second arc.. mammoth being the first arc for the main character Yuka..
The more I plan it and sketch out some ideas, I doubt the final product will be called mammoth.
I could only roughly describe what it's looking like..
The story is similar to A:N in a way, following a young girl protagonist... Mammmoth has a community that is the early form of the Love Corp...
I dont know if I will keep using Love Corp though.
In a nutshell... I'm looking at doing a war epic for the second part of mammoth... where yuka is recruited into a experimental army...
it would follow a typical bootcamp ~> war ~> drama ~> format...
One of the major ideas I'm working with right now is about the bootcamp.
THey only recruit cis girls, and they are psychologically trained or conditioned to be able to perform miracles.
the foundational miracle they have to perform is called the FM... and they can't graduate bootcamp until they are able to perform this miracle..
the miracle is to change one's sex. so in yuka's case, she has to literally grow a pair. all the cisgirls become trans women.
the opposing force / nation, would be the inverse. cis men who are trained to perform the miracle of becoming trans men.
This is really early and rough sketchy thoughts tbh! so I feel hesitant to write at all
I just had some visions last night... it's not A:N.. where this girl wearing a big metal helmet is expected to move a large boulder mentally
perform that miracle
Im not sure if she really can or cant. but I had a vision where some staff dude spray paints a red circle onto a concrete wall..
and he looks at the boulder disbelieving or not feeling any sense of threat..
but just as he walks away from the red dot, the boulder flies at it and cracks into two.. deeply terrifying him
it started with my deep desire to approach the medal of honor allied assault romantic feels in my heart...
in my case, it's a specific loyalty to the aesthetic or time period...
the limitations..
But I dunno if girls in D-Day uniforms will be the ultimate thing I should strive for
I often think about girls in WWII uniforms... but with life and fate sitting on my bookshelf, I know it's not my place to do that setting a real justice.
the director's process often crosses my mind, to adapt novels to screenplays.. I've considered adapting novels to visual novels...
Or more freeing, I've considered adapting and collaging multiple novels into visual novels...
I think, it's just typical artist play, you are just composed of all the things you consume and experience.
You are what you eat..
🦉:
I asked sofa if she would be interested to do military uniform designs... she said maybe, only if she could do crazy free stuff... nothing historically accurate
So we'll see what happens. If that's the conditions for dope concept arts, perhaps that's what itll have to be !
long love live free jazz!
free frree freedom!
i'll leave it at that and share some drawings i've been doing recently.
I've been just practicing mostly.. sofa has gotten me into drawing again or. i'm trying to learn to love it and not hate myself so much! something I think a girl like me is too good at
a gun for ep3..
twigs..
just some heads..
dong minor
mayday on the right
a new chara design mascha for mammoth..its just about the hair curl
a cannon for uzi
maybe my fave drawing of 'veronica' atm
attempts to make uzi not have a big smile
more attempts
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