tl;rd
made some progress... but i've been sick for the whole week and its crampin my style forsure
this might be last diary post for while...
I feel im exposing too much too soon.. intimations say to me to wait until i finish ep3 before share abt process
... to like guard the magic a little more securely
dunno i felt rly insecure to share abt some of the 3d modelling work this week / drawings/ concepts...
insecure like, the ish not ready to be shown until ep3 is done
things that friend share to me are important because they are "components" in the magic
but if i can't share what im doing, i dont wanna show anything at all
(i dont want my diary to be just youtube links, things friends share to me and ramble-core cuz #spoilers)
... from diary #1022imsosexygaygirlhotbasscomeption [1.1.1022]
@1:30AM
1. hot bacon sexy chu girls
2. π put my drawing in her diary
(π suggested i try azpainter again so i did some warm ups)
3. chester frankx?
4. im scared cuz all this world shit lives in my head and when i manifest ish i want it to fuckin LOOK right dunno
5. needs to rly be the peeps
6. cant be no knock offs of myself
(its rly significant for me to paint/draw again cuz i feel like i rly haven't in ages feel rly rusty....)
...
@2:07AM
7. curious abt this small little chibi ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββher name is π
8. haha
9. i wanna ββββββββββββββββ π but alsoβββββββββββββββββββββββββit
10. cuz like ββββββββββββββββis βββββββββββββββββββββββββent
11. i know ββββββββββββββββef
12. notβββββββββββββββββββββββββl
13. ββββββββββββββββπs
14. they ββββββββββββββββho
15. π and π
16. i cant help but like see alot of π in π
17. but π doesnt have a huge ββββββββββββββββ thing going on
18. she just seems like shes just chillin
...
19. overthinking everything but i fucking live on the internet i live on my frontlines yo
20. im super fucking present with this fucking internet shit its deeply intertwined with my art practice and shaman shit and everything
21. i shββββββββββββββββn break
22. im jββββββββββββββββame
23. liββββββββββββββββme
24. on ββββββββββββββββ
25. yea i play sl n shit and when i log off it doesnt rly feel much different im still online ig in a way
26. SL hits me in a unique emotional sense of like.... i can percieve tradegy in it
27. its not at all relatable to sitting in a room with real people
28. when we all have like remote controllers for the TV
29. we not in a real social situation
30. we are all super anti-social
31. but we need something still
...
@2:26AM
32. in a weird fantasy i wish ic ould date tk cuz im a fucking fangirl
33. only fucking tk
34. in that super impossible fantasy way
35. tk is the only person who could make me so starshook i might cry
36. only tk cuz cecil taylor isn't alive anymore
37. π is alive tho
38. im guessing i would cry if I saw her again
39. this blocked ness i felt last year
40. sigh
41. arts a funny ass game its such a haul i been taking it so seriously
42. its not a diary its a secret weapon
43. i feel relieved to know everything goes into my diary now
44. i dont feel impulse to post on tw for random shit ya dig
45. maybe diary maknig my diary public is only way for (most) people to get close to me without being burnt by my spotlight.
46. i know where my shit goes
47. it goes right here
48. this is my coach talk shit
49. like pump talk
50. and its like
51. im dancing rn
52. im flexin
53. im moving
54. the energy is here
55. i just worship a diary for a whole month
56. i just have to like
57. unleash that energy a little
58. lean it into the shit thats most important
59. i thought abt cancel the π experiments cuz i go sooo slowed down like
60. i should do some other shit for once
61. obsess over one chara for so long
62. but the basic meshs arent done im getting too ahead of myself
63. π¦: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t6PJITm02lM
(dunno,..a 10:10 geometry choral piece just most π¦ shit ever)
64. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
65. when π shares his musical passions to me, its really infectious
66. i listened to this harmββββββββββββββββββββββ sl
67. on nye
68. βββββββββββββββ
69. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
70. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
71. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
72. π speaks to me alot he said im one of his favorite people ever
73. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ (when he said he can't hate me,,, i really believe it)
74. βββββββββββββββ
75. if thβββββββββββββββββββme, i built defenses and we can talk again and laugh n shit
76. i sometimes find it hard to believe he actually likes me or loves me
77. ig cuz hes older
78. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ i wonder what π hates abt my youngness what abt me does he have that like yr just young n shit or like
79. going thru the #yesterday shit
80. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
81. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
82. cuz......
83. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
84. they have to live the 20s thats like
85. fucking crazy times it was for me
86. and constant relationships
87. constant break ups
88. constant falling in new loves
89. and i was super nomadic
90. in an internet sense and real life sense
91. and i often had to build my own spaces to feel safe
92. i always tore my ish down
93. because i ran into so many human relationship troubles which i think is mostly about my trecherous relationship with myself
94. maybe i have to hate my closest people to test how real the love if someone can survive me hating them and cutting them out they are really strong
95. π survived that shit
96. and i survived with him too
97. cuz our apprecations for eachother is too deep and real ig...
98. but we have ish to share
99. we dont come up dry
100. its about being passionate or something
101. no matter how fukd up yr life is
102. i dunno
103. if u feel impassioned dont make excuses
104. thats where god comes into play
105. u gotta believe in god ~ god make a way
106. god can change alll that perspective ish u have
107. cuz god is infinite perspective
108. and all languages and all symbol
109. god will always surprise u where u really feel ish is impossible...
110. thats why u gotta be careful what you wish for
111. cuz dont think god wont over turn mountains
112. its actually nothing to god
113. the energy is always there
114. its yours to play with
115. i like to think that god favors creativity or something or it helps to pursue god thru creation
116. it just feels right
...
(an eldar shaman said... paachimama (mother earth) is not in danger, she will just twitch her lip and all humanity will be extinquished... life on earth are more in danger than earth itself)
...
@2:56AM
117. syr π tho im just like
118. always lowkey on the lookout for perfect trans waifu material
119. screams...
120. internally
121. *MEEE!*
...
@3:04AM
122. ββββββββββββββββ
123. ββββββββββββββββ
124. ββββββββββββββββ
...
@3:09AM
125. im feeling the craziness sink back in
126. im talking to my walls
127. talking to myself
128. not feeling afraid anyone can hear me
129. and like doubting myself
130. i think i need to go harder
131. deeper into my thoughts and shit
132. these old cawa works are in my scanner...
...
@3:19AM
...
133. this eggman head is what i want on my body for next tattoos and....
134. i wish cawa knew i was a girl
135. cawa also gave me a very tiny pink purse from sylvinnian families
136. inside the purse is a tiny drawing of his bedroom dated
137. i think its in my bone reading bag
138. i dont see it anywhere but im not that worried
139. i would never throw it away
...
...
140. im gonna clean my PC this upcoming week
(i didnt do this)
141. as well as house
142. cawa was a real person... he continues to live in my fantasy tho...
143. hes one of my characters too
...
@3:39AM
144. uβββββββββββββββββββ out war for me
...
@3:52AM
145. i dont have tw on my phone
146. rip
147. i remember there was kinda a love triangle between π and cawa and me and actually quad with π
(its the most pure compersion shit like evar)
148. and b4 cawa suicide he sent π "lp for π"
149. ig ill post that 1 on psalmus as a digital
150. but it comes with a rly gnar story n ish
151. dunno how to release it
152. its harsh music
153. and feels like screaming it hink i used for ep2 tho? i used some ish of his
154. he was into scary cute....
155. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZRPCCqqwvQ
156. he made this video i remember it was like
157. my first realization abt scary cute
158. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpoj3To44vI
159. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h6U9jE946-M
160. i miss cawa alot
161. my self hating trans lesbian ass b****
162. my diary is some str8 leo ish
163. faces looking
164. that's what we are
165. passing by on the digital highway
166. flickering countenance
167. when i bone read
168. its not poetry
169. but it looks like it...soundslike it....
170. ig my def of poetry isnt very advanced
171. to me
172. bible is poetry
...
@4:07AM
173. βββββββββββββ
174. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
(ready for the GD #biblical)
...
@5:07AM
175. paper bg for diary
176. lightlight
177. finger crease on iphone screen subtle
...
@4:43pm
178. im not pompous about god
...
@5:03PM
179. digital shamanism
...
@5:50PM
180. thinkin imma take this ββββ soon
181. maybe wont do a full hit but not sure
182. its something i do for creative always like
183. maybe i should wait til theres option for nature some shit
184. but dunno
185. i did ββββ for ep2
186. i'll do for ep3 too probs lol
187. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
188. she thoβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββthing
189. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@6:53PM
190. π said im not alone in my feeling clogged for winter
..
@7:02PM
191. i worship god its just seems like apart of that worship needs some human idol
192. i need some existing thing
193. just saw humanity as a bunch of fukin wild barking monkies/chiwawas
...
@7:10PM
194. im@just lol
...
@7:25PM
195. i cried alot making ep1/2
196. im sure ill cry lots for 3
...
@7:45PM
197. π¦: "#goalz #ideal #viral #1022"
...
@8:07PM
198. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A1bZ676p1NQ&feature=youtu.be
199. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LrZvbvteDYo
π:
...
@8:45PM
200. ig my name as a shaman is rin yaba
201. i dunno if i can take el mumu
(i feel like el mumu is who i communicate with... actually... when i was chanting and channeling a few year ago i asked the spirits to give me a name and they just possess my throat ya dig and squeezed el mumu out of me.... and i dont second guess that shit ofc... ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ #personalExperience)
...
@9:04PM
202. (π_π)
...
@10:56PM
203. okok
...
@11:12PM
π¦:
...
@11:19PM
204. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XehcFWulKKM
205. π: "thirstin for the word... yea humanity on mass super fukin dehydrated rn"
...
@11:25PM
206. talkin to π and π today
207. π makes me lol so much recently
208. its healing
209. π seems stress abt being a center figure in community
210. glad it not me ig hehe
...
@11:31PM
211. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gm-f7xR6mf0&feature=youtu.be
... [1.2.1022]
@12:24AM
212. weird day
213. v zombie for most of it had to lay down ish
214. decided to pasta. smoke and sl dressup.
...
@2:20AM
215. i feel like id be a really bad mom
216. just on SL and PC and 3d and art all the time
217. and like mean kick for anti-social behavior...
218. and like not really interested in kids/babies
...
@2:40AM
219. im back in bed
220. i dunno what to do
221. im like rly blocks
222. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
223. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
224. ββββββββββββββββgain
225. ill start soon
...
226. prepare for not leaving the house for a while
...
@2:45AM
227. damn im trans
228. lol
229. that's real
...
@10:41AM
230. i dont like eating ββββββββββ
...
@11:55AM
231. might be sick
232. depends whos ββββββββββ ig
233. i dunno
...
@12:05PM
234. why are you speaking to yuka
235. she's dead
236. and has been for 1000s of years
237. didnt u hear what mom said
238. you need help
239. you need processing
240. u need mother tech
241. u just need THM
242. (trim healthy mama)
243. yh
244. visions of christ
245. visions of mammoth
246. and cell patient prisoner zero
247. that would be ezy scene to make for interior
...
@12:27PM
248. i dunno
249. maybe the weed i smoke made me a little ill
250. its poss considering its old weed (over a year old)
251. ig that can make u sick?
...
@12:30PM
252. i think
253. no matter what
254. no matter how scared i get
255. or paranoid im fail and cant work cant finish
256. eventually ill finish ep3
257. theres just no way as long as i am alive
258. id let a project like that go unfinished
259. i have too much pride...
260. its the "good problems" to have
261. like "ugh im stuck #writers block"
262. or like "GUH too much inspo"
263. yh im adding more to the story
264. and the game
265. like im not taking things out
266. i keep adding things
267. cuz i wanna show it all
268. all the shit i been hiding in me
269. although i could space it out
270. i keep seeing these visions
271. and my rule is like
272. the visions i have now are for the thing im currently working on
273. so i should do them (rather than speculate its for a future proj...)
274. mammoth n shit
275. imma do like one scene from mammoth i think
276. and one scene from 2.000.000.000 dreams for a forgiveness machine
277. ep3 is like
278. mammoth + 2bill + a:n
279. theres alot of shit
280. ββββββββββββ
281. π said its (2 yr old outline) too many maze plot
282. but i think that wont matter if the visual and writing and music etc everything is there
283. i dont really care abt plot logistics
284. i live in this world and its super real vivid
285. i dont care abt maze plot drama
286. i dont care abt the complexity
287. its just emotional for me
...
@1:10PM
288. i also have to give myself a break a lil
289. cuz im doing everything by myself (minus the cameos)
290. modelling... texturing... set design... animating... all that ish
291. all the writing
292. its alot of work
293. all the music too well
294. thats where i get some help
295. i ask music friends to give me blessing/contribute
296. like chushi, bugbus, emamouse even jalen
297. although we aren't friends anymore
298. im still thankful he composed that choral piece for ep1
299. i dunno if i can get myself to use it again
300. that was a hard relationship for me
301. i dont want to use his song again to like
302. admit hes right or something
303. or like admit that he's super powerful, and im suckering up to that
304. id unno
305. its a weird pride issue thing
306. i dont wanna use his work if we are not on good terms
307. i only wanna put energy into my projects that are clean energies
308. thats why i wouldn't release/reuse the tarot for anything other than owl
...
@1:22PM
309. this fucking weed man
310. so fucking old and gross feeling rn
311. i wish i just spend the money on getting a fresh batch
312. not some old dirty man shit
...
@2:36PM
313. i got some weed
314. fresh ish
315. obvs imma prefer it over this old man ish
316. i hate utube app
...
@2:46PM
317. if u blow up and we not 100
318. i wont show up on yr doorstep after the fact like "plz be my friend"
...
@2:51PM
...
@3:24PM
319. π:BOSS
320. reply dm. and ebay.
...
@3:43PM
321. home
322. piss shit explodes out of me
323. someone asking for A:N sl merch
324. ill upload more ish later
325. wanna make it more clean w/e
326. after ep3 ill do that ish more properly
...
@4:03PM
327. still feel ill
328. might smoke this indica anyways
...
@4:30PM
329. might laydown
330. but opening my blend ish to leave open
...
@4:41PM
331. THINK MY prob is... i dont like the work i did for the body mesh
332. feels like i cant fix it
333. maybe will have to make it one more time
...
334. i want them to be really good tho and im just like weirdly not happy with it
...
@4:50PM
335. the vision of flickering faces
336. need to make that too
337. maybe the prisoner sees that
...
@5:49PM
338. i remember watching blue gender really little
339. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m4heKgeTkUY&feature=youtu.be
340. i remember especially
341. the scene where some guy gets up on some boobs
342. i dunno it just rly stuck in my mind
...
@6:08PM
343. i'm really fucking sad about my progress
344. its all because i wanna level up
345. im not doing the same shit as last time those crappy rigs
346. shitty models
347. im just upset cuz the workload to like get to shooting feels like never ending
348. i didn't even get a fkin usable basemesh yet
...
@6:21PM
349. when jams is found hobbling down an alley ana does the final blow with a pulse rifle shot
350. right click left click
(correction shock rifle)
...
@6:36PM
351. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MU3xbjcHSnw&feature=youtu.be
...
@6:50PM
352. dunno
353. owl ways need to be like longing after someone?
354. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
355. ig my divinations report checkd in cuz same avatar as π
356. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
337. i cant heβββββββββies
338. i think im repeating
339. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
340. in hoββββββββββ
341. but this is just my weird little game i play with myself
...
@6:56PM
342. SCRAP!!!!
...
@7:17PM
...
@7:53PM
343. the square faced royal family member... hes the lead investigator in the "mommydaddy:suicides"
344. we see him with his administrator.... the ball nosed shell crotched roundy chara
345. whos typing on a typewriter thats sitting on a waist tray
346. drawing to loosen up?
347. tehse are my detective duo tho who inspect the suicide early in the morning
348. act iii will be one day...
349. the last suicide is the one that triggers the genocide meeting
...
@8:57PM
350. testing a new idea for veronica
351. taking more inspo from susy little witch
352. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
353. service system?
354. yea the SS...
355. league of dreamhacker
356. moderator...dreamhacker...service provider
357. ADMIN DREAMHACK
358. INTERNET PROVIDER
359. she's like a stoner....
360. shes smoking weed
361. shes just me lol
362. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z1o_3yBe6Cg
...
@10:09PM
363. yea im in it now
364. some piano but
365. im always going off into some loud over top ish
366. hard to compose quietly for me
367. i know i want a theme specifically with these certain chords tho
368. cuz i been working with them for months
369. there are 26 admins / dreamhackers
370. one for every single letter
371. Z is the last letter of the alphabet
372. because the time period is in the last letter
373. those other letters existing still and working / managing their timelines but
374. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
375. it doesnt matter what they are doing over there, im telling you right now you are in the Z databse
376. Zblock
(TIMEPERIODS::CONCURRENTLY)
((BIG CAKE))
...
@10:47PM
377. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v1RoMdqKSo8&list=LL&index=9&t=53s
378. Z's favorite place is the Crystal Dream CASINO
379. where all the alphabet stalkers can meet (and kill time like the staff bar on a cruise ship) #freewinds
380. all the spirits who want to gamble their hearts away to divinations
381. ALPHABET::STALKERS
382.ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@11:39PM
383. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
384. my art teacher from hs
385. https://www.deviantart.com/erratic4/art/Cool-Cats-261754483
... [1.3.1022]
@12:00AM
386. testing this chara too
387. i made drawing in saigon but prob way 2 lazy to dig up
388. i know its some ish like this
...
12:53AM
389. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dvLluu8HtEc
...
@2:08AM
390. forsure need to rip hikock gun sounds for sounddesign
391. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L3whiyIfBLg
...
@2:53AM
...
@3:35AM
392. i feel like a single mom
393. z has 25 sisters
394. she only has one mitten
395. cuz she uses her right hand for typing
396. she stops mid convo to sent message
397. this is a huge breakthru for me actually
398. π finished her script shes emotional
399. she's like
400. """hm?...hang on..."
401. *types into the keyboard*
402. does it display info? maybe lil project
@3:50AM
403. viva shoots a flintlock rifle
...
@3:59AM
404. after z takes a big hit dragon style
405. black screens white text
406. fasho
...
@11:28AM
407. space mouse apparently here today
...
@12:19PM
π:
...
@2:10PM
408. spacemouse is cool af
409. was worried i wouldn't be able to get working but its working now im happy
...
@2:15PM
π¦:
...
@2:51PM
410. i know its like cliche for like... occult masonic symbols and lolis w/e
411. but π really share me these things genuinely
412. and i just go with the flow
...
@3:01
413. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgCsE1glfG0
414. 12
415. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-ANRcs7oG8g
416. 10:00
417. 1010
418. im just making times for sound designs to get for later
419. 10:01
420. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kYXbf9m36nI
...
@3:54PM
421. feeling good abt life rn even tho sick
422. T_T
423. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
424. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@4:48PM
425. if i had to choose between bipolar or dysphoria
426. 100% keeping bipolar
427. at laest its productive
428. dysphoria only hurts me intensly
429. i thrive off isolation
...
@6:38PM
430. im in bed
431. i watch many tut
432. i got the pain again of like
433. overwhelm by workload
434. just to make a basemesh
435. then im like ooooh i want rigged eyes
434. its so much to take on
435. i need to keep the painted faces easier on my heart
...
@6:46PM
436. i just have to keep trying
437. im not being aggressive enough
438. like why am i not attempt the body everyday
439. until i won
440. its cuz im lazy
441. and spread out
442. but im getting there im forcing myself back on track
443. i just wanna have fun ya know
444. this is not fun
445. making head body isn't that fun for me
446. or im not yet at a skill level where it fun and easy and chill
447. i hate being a newb
...
@6:59PM
448. i miss π
...
@7:02PM
449. therapist asked how im doing mentally
450. i said fine
451. but i feel the incoming doom feeling of dysphoria
452. cuz i feel like i look like a guy again
453. and my masc angles whatever
454. i just got the sharp pain of anxiety
455. emotional
456. like sense of doom
457. cuz i dont read girl anymore
458. im fighting to percieve girl
459. and everything about my face is working against me
460. to keep me from seeing a girl
461. i hate this
462. torture shit
463. its the biggest curse
464. is what i hate the most about my experience
465. the f king dysphoria ish
...
@9:22PM
466. i wake up
467. π and π are on my plate
468. π and π go hard
469. i dream this blue screen abt ep3
470. i had some realization in my dream
471. i cried
472. cuz it all made sense
473. some shit abt my mom and going to mcdonalds
474. π is my lil sis
475. π my big bro
476. both love me deeply
477. i love them back
478. π is a π π a π
479. π¦: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LRlmTzDyw7s
...
@9:36PM
480. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gala_(priests)
481. maybe its
482. Gala is relevant to me
483. gala
...
@9:50PM
484. we can't know if sumer gala were "trans woman"... big quotes there... but seems in line with like typical old world *shamans/spirit heads* ish of adams being girls
485. not the girls we saw today
486. the proto-trans-shaman didn't have estrogen (not to my knowledge but ig there was kwao krua type ish?)
487. which effects our spiritual practice
488. perhaps it brings me closer to inanna
489. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
490. digital natives trans shaman
491. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ.
492. if i βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββwhatever
493. i dunno
494. i deβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββrience dysphoria
495. id nβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββer out
496. the knowledge of trans shamans brings me like peace and sanctuary
497. in my body
498. i dont embrace penis like in a butoh sense
(the butoh piece im referring to in this idc think that recording is online but this doc was uppd recently and looks rly on par/point with "piercing the mask" https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RBQXebxE8_Q )
499. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
500. ββββββββββββ
501. π¦: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GEp7dUk7Qxk&feature=youtu.be
...
502. feeling sweeety in bed
...
@10:17PM
...
@11:02PM
503. #wow yr #tweet went #viral???? thats so #awkward
504. WHats YOUr narrative? #crocs
...
@11:20PM
505. learned abt locking camera to view so can record keyframes with spacemouse
506. ...
507. will def put it into action when its shooting days
... [1.4.1022]
@1:20AM
508. i ended up... not retopo...
509. i just revisited the original trash mesh and i tried to mod it
510. to be better
511. its not that much better at all tbh
512. i got it rigged
...
513. π talking about chibi
514. so i chibi the head again
515. i recompared her to the og models
516. to get her current state
...
@3:51AM
...
@4:12AM
...
@4:18AM
(regarding chushi's CDs)
517. forest gd represents an adam:girl underneath the forest spirit/angel named artazor. this cd is about nature.
518. water cd represents water/energy/telepathy. the stone is under the water.
519. plains cd represents life, cutting the umbicord, a new baby is born. castle.
520. red is about fire, money
521. death skull is abt death the blue horse got destroyed by the street
522. and heels
523. trash/junk
524. stage/theatre, drama
525. im in bed
526. its so cold
527. i cant be still cuz so cold
528. i feel good about today
529. even tho she's not done
530. i feel closer
...
@4:31AM
531. i dont even remember what i forget
532. twigs
...
@8:09AM
533. saigon dream
534. old cafe mama nmec me trashcan
535. or backfire
...
@9:57AM
536. dream abt π and her never reply to me
537. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
538. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
539. ββββββββββββ
540. ββββββββββββ me
541. soββββββββββββol
542. im just your fββββββββββββ on your phone
...
@10:06AM
543. my therapist said in my half dream
544. the flexibility of awareness
...
@11:21AM
545. i got really mad at this girl who misgender me
546. im like in some torture house again
547. a shared house art space that's "safe space" for trans people and
548. here is this girl casually misgender me in my room like haha
549. and im like really upset mad
550. and tell her she should be more aware when she's in space for trans people not throw random pronouns around
551. and like wake up do i rly fkin look like a man to u
552. she got all paranoid introverted like oh no can't hear it
553. she im about to explain to her more
554. but shes too scared to hear she's trying to flee
555. i say like
556. when u misgender trans person u can ruin their whole day
557. u can invalidate a bitch on a deep ass level
558. this is what i mean by sensing an oncoming dysphoria binge
559. i start dreaming sjit like this
560. fighting invisible people
561. and in scared to look in mirror
562. i dunno
563. i look like a blob rn
...
@11:43AM
564. π asking me abt my sp forum history
565. im hard to explain about bolo n shit
567. its hard to talk about tk
568. very sensitive topic
569. wake up
570. make up
...
@11:50PM
571. its annoying
572. im still ssikc
573. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
574. alββββββββββββββββββββββββe drama
575. i just donββββββββββββββββββββββββ b*****
576. ig i love penpals
577. all my friends/relationships basically been abt penpal
578. iββββββββββββββββββββββββ
579. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
580. ohββββββββββββββββββββββββ that
581. maββββββββββββββββββββββββchill
582. maββββββββββββββββββββββββon
583. maββββββββββββββββββββββββrs
584. penpal:allstars?
585. penpal:league?
(penpal olympics)
586. i maked up
587. i smoked up
...
@12:12PM
588. when i was rly little at the 2nd campus of LCA
589. i was into the anarcy logo symbol for whatever reason
590. i saw it first on a belt at the rose theatre? whatever the big market 2nd hand
591. rose bowl
592. the belt where you fasten it by inserting into the little rectangle and pull this metal bar with teeth across onto it and fix it in place
(this but with the red logo on black)
593. and i drew the logo on the lockers @ my school
594. i dunno if it was mine or what but
595. i got caught somehow
596. the teacher had a talk with me that was like seriosu ig?
597. i felt like... not rly clear the issue
598. i was having a rly hard time at the school
599. i was rebelling ig
600. but my form of rebel was pretty mild
601. i was the bad kid
602. and im not even that bad at all
603. i think what i need to do with 3d
604. is not always look at the same thing too much
605. i looked at π doll too much
606. i should take a break and come back to her
607. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AgFeZr5ptV8
...
@12:23PM
608. im a professional penpal
609. people can be like drugs too
610. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
611. i abandoned windows mac cuz i dont like the house
612. my relationship to pc is very mych a lifestyle
613. nββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
614. ββββββββββββββββββββββββe
615. i live inside pcs
616. i know how to live ig
617. thats why i like arch
618. it feels like u build a house
619. and its yr baby
620. everything becomes familiar
621. π saying i should get on foodstamps
622. π "its the first thang every punk do when they roll into a new town"
623. ig my dysphoria come up with my mania comup
624. im trying to becare to not let it get tome
625. im being mindful
626. as best i can
...
@12:46PM
627. its rly funny to think of oneself as a sick ass beat maker
628. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUzTj8QetgU
629. x
...
messages sent to π
630. i was super crushed out on bolo and i was rly in love with this person somehow they didnt reject me and let me into their thoughts we had some direct conversations that was usual of people i spoke to online i sent him an iphone and thinfs in the mail....to like help him out he served jail time for drugs not clear he didnt rly say.. he seemed rly underground on fringe of society maybe cutty had a rly hard life made a beat called "foodstamps" rly struggle dark feeling wretched vibes? i dont think their life was very easy
631. or happy dunno but they seemed really tough
632. i might have to get on f stamps
633. ββββββββββββββββββββ (messages recieved)
634. i got a nu one (sp-404)
635. yh it sacred
636. i have a spiritual relationship to sp
637. i can run a βββββββββββββββββββ thru the vinyl sim into tape makes it sound FAT
638. its a warm compressor
639. only 303/404 og have it
640. lol
641. im not a big gear buff but i appreciate having anything i have i regret selling the tings i did
642. i dont gret selling the microsamller maybe (messages recieved)
643. nobody jnows what sp stands for
644. roland just made up maybe
645. maybe SamPler
646. all the sps are just samplers (messages recieved)
647. they marketed sp404 towars like DJs for live sound set ups.... but they programmed a little more extra for resampling and editing , crude pattern sequencer.. the extras enabled it to be used for rly unintuitive workflows... very much like limitations being adherant
648. alot of people made crazy shit with em and alot of rugged ass tracks cuz the older models had a rugged sound and the noise floor electronically was a little high(?) easily identifyable electronic hiss sound which was like really shown off as being apart of the sp sound
649. if u conpress / resample just one time over youll get that hiss
650. lofi as fuk
651. sp202 has a lofi 2 button some of most gnar lofi ish ever
652. its rly funny to identify as a dope ass beat maker
653. #roots
654. im like the only trans woman from that scene.... it was super masc dominant cuz it was like a post dilla beat wave movement (hip hop heads) also coicide with "bedroom producer" phenomena (skater boyz)
655. hip hop bros
656. i made a fake soundcloud with a pic of my ex and posted beats as a girl... and hella people blew my dm up
657. like wanting to collab
...
... from diary #1022imsosexygaygirlhotbasscomeption
658. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JttNxFbmB_M
659. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j6ae-nCMWKE
...
@1:03PM
660. lol
661. also rly old ish
662. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KscEzrV3EUI&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=1
...
@1:07PM
663. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mm03OWmldf4&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=4
664. old lou ferrigno ish
665. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
666. another sensei
667. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipvCrxJQgjE&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=74
668. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C15ZVbwCq4M&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=81
669. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XUB1r67fcvw&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=107
670. THROWBACK lol
...
@1:17PM
671. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2CAOqRXr6l8&list=PLBbPNvSsz4j54iU-wXx7MBhZ4QdHcqWHt&index=91
672. βββββββββββββββββ
673. βββββββββββββββββin these last vidsβββββββββββββββββlol
674. i remember havinββββββββββββββannel
675. cuz ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββs ch
676. for some reason
677. anββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ me
678. but i gββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββnal account
679. and wββββββββββββββββββββββββββββchillin)
680. i gββββββββββββββded like
681. the sancticity of the work was spoiled somehow
(no anonymous energy)
682. but i expressed it as a like
683. we need to credit who does what on this ch
684. i felt rly bad about it
685. but some of the videos have **_LIP*** on themor some shit cuz that was teh tag i put to mark my vids
686. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r5GXnljt44U
687. im proud of this one
688. i didnt tag it tho
689. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
690. tβββββββββββββββββh
691. was trippy to me tho
692. alot of us heads who connected from the like ββββββββββββββ underground beat crew
693. or at least my circle we were all the freaks ig
694. and we all split off into weird totally different territories
(after we evolved from making beats)
695. butββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββlike
696. beββββββββββββββr"
697. thats sooo trippy to me
698. i also had prob like...
699. the people who came around after i did...
700. i didnt like the people who were like subsequent fans to the sound
701. and i wonder if the heads before me felt that way abt me
702. bββββββββββββββ
(wββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ)
703. and i did a twin galaxies tape with culp for the comeback w/e.... no tk tho
704. i wish i kept that taope
705. culp made this amazing wario beat
706. he went as mark alpiger
707. heres my most rare tape ever
708. https://sp-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=10883&p=94475&hilit=twin+galaxies#p94475
709. even mr mumblz himSelββββββββββββββ
710. https://sp-forums.com/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=9970&p=86532&hilit=wonderswan#p86532
711. gonna check the ZIP on this might be what im lookin for
712. LOL WARIO BEAT IS IN HERE
713. h8trs be h8trs
714. yh tape 2 isnt nearly as legendary or classic as the OG tho foo wasnt lyin
715. wariobeat where it at
716. thats the takeaway
...
@1:45PM
717. posting first beat
718. has autistic moment
719. socially awkward
720. fuck im just rly socially awkward
...
@1:48PM
721. it make me cry when people say they love me
722. and ifββββββββββββββββββββββatever
723. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
724. ββββββββββββββββββββββp
725. ββββββββββββββββββββββry
726. i coem from spforums
727. π?
728. he came from vampirefreaks
729. or whatever its called
730. and thats what they say abt spforums like
731. oh whatever sp something
732. and yea it is funny to think "suppressive person" forums is where i went to after my parents got declared in the church
(as SPs... suppressive people)
733. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
734. thβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββove
735. its triggering like
736. how i felt when i tried to stop π from joining staff
737. and play slave to the system
738. and ooh but π recruited me like
739. my friends are now peer pressuring me to join
740. its all smiles and laughs when u swings dance and group shoot
741. im a chibi accnt
...
@1:57PM
742. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
743. https://www.collectorsfirearms.com/products/40863-british-pattern-1809-brown-bess-musket-india-pattern-type-iii-al4781.html
744. ideal ass fuckkkk reference photos...
...
@3:44PM
745. first test with flint rifle
746. at least i got it!
747. looking close enough lol
748. forsure this is my ish
...
@3:51PM
749. imma do a sound design for gun rn...
750. after lil break
...
@4:03PM
751. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f07_BFHK9dY
...
752. βββββββββββββββββββ tink
753 when viva βββββββββββββββββββce lol
...
@4:46PM
754. lunch
...
@4:53PM
755. im coming out of some sort of depressive slump
756. cuz im more productive better life awareness
757. i just go in and out
758. im not stable
759. the TA in class pointed it out to me
760. that somedays im really studious and quick other days supper slow
761. i just wanna be real
762. im not tryna front
763. βββββββββββββββββββ
764. im not a βββββββββββββββββββme
765. mβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββbt it
766. i make my tea on a piano stool
767. at least i learnd to romance collage trashy object living
768. i βββββββββββββββββββa
769. if it works it works
770. hard for me to wrap my head around sometimes that im still in my transition w/e
771. i havent even hit 3 yrs hrt yet
772. my electrolysis doctor, shes a sweethearβββββββββββββββββββ
773. but shes not transphobic
774. guess win some stats lose some...
...
@5:04PM
775. rly angry towards parents
776. am i 8
777. im 30 now
778. π said thats my youngbess
779. still feeling traumatized abt parents
...
@7:47PM
...
@8:24PM
780. made a brownbess sound
781. its super gnar
782. and loud i collaged several recordings from kickok and some other person
783. will come back to it later when its time, and work with the og reaperfile
784. i just need the basic sketch
...
@10:42PM
785. mae some tracks
786. "jazzgay shit" on some concept
787. and arnoldkun
788. ig im free jazz ish today
... [1.5.1022]
@12:59AM
789. i one one song! thats good i think
790. chibitest2
791. inspired from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OFe3p5eamB0
...
@3:40AM
792. ep3 will take along time
793. im not even at the film shit yet
794. soon af tho
...
@3:53AM
795. idc how long it take me
796. i need to let go of that
797. like how long
798. we don't care
799. obviously we won't finish in next few months lol
800. tβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
801. im being frugal
802. ill get on foodstamps
803. my dad used to be into video games
804. until one day he stopped stopped
805. and lost all interest
806. his disinterest in them was pushed into me
807. the thing which he raised me with was apart of me abd my own interest
808. it became evil and bad
809. i was confused about my relationship to pc
810. i loved pc
811. i built my own pc as a teen
(my dad helped ofc, i think he noticed i screwed the mobo on with no screws that keep it off the floor)
812. i was so happy
813. it was such a cool rig to me
(i remember distinctly playing thief 3 and halflife 2...)
814. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
815. it wββββββββββββββββββββββββor me
...
@11:55AM
816. cawa alivr in my dream
817. we break into an area that was off limits a chapel
818. we try to marry speedily
819. but svetlana stops us
820. the real scetlana sea org member
821. we both rebel
822. and say fk u rtc
823. and flee
824. im in the room later cawa will be there soon
825. im packing my things thinking to myself
826. i can tell cawa that there are people in the world who love him
...
@12:29PM
827. that was a sad dream
828. surprised i didnt' wake up crying
829. maybe im getting over it
830. i wanted to marry cawa in the alter
831. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MZGWWrwvs34
...
@1:51PM
(some midi sketches)
832. https://vocaroo.com/1mwoBLH4vwa3
833. https://vocaroo.com/11X9q6I11ljq
834. https://vocaroo.com/1kcmXsSnf6Jh
835. https://vocaroo.com/1ixLQOenQ8Wx
836. https://vocaroo.com/1Veas46f8sxV
...
@2:19PM
837. π: "im super thankful everyday for ur friendship!!!"
838. u know how i feel abt this
...
@2:42PM
839. ig a:n biββββββββββββββββββββd?
840. but notββββββββββββββββββββion
841. thββββββββββββββββββββne
842. butββββββββββββββββββββtr
843. i think i got confused abt fans cuz i have the whole "love whoever loves me" thing
844. alqays need a muse
845. rn...ββββββββββββββββββββe
846. whβββββββββββ is
847. maββββββββββββββββββββββ house
848. goβββββββββββvement
849. get thβββββββββββset
850. aβββββββββββ the st
851. even internet st
...
852. yh ofc i have a big ego
853. only big ego take on big projects
854. im not a big ego fronter ya dig
855. im a big ego executioner
856. i had a spiritual moment at 7/11
857. cuz the man offered me a straw
858. and i said no
859. but i doublt thought must be a reason
860. straw easier to sip whilst walking
861. i tink once u tap into like feeling god.... its kinda miraculous how giving it is... emotionally experienced ig... its not like drug u can build tolerance to?... dunno...i just think yh... "everything is god w/e"....<~ u could get bored of that? not until ur feeling it again and all the wonder is fresh like never dull actually
862. the beauty of the world never falls flat or get dull
863. maybe god make us all worship screen to remind us what we used to worship
864. suns,seasons,plants,,,mountains
865. a:n is very hollywood
866. just cuz it was born here
867. like myself
868. that part of why im here
869. roots
870. sp404 is apart of that roots
871. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
872. oββββββββββββββdunno
873. i dont wanna hang out with beat bros
874. but i can see a beauty in like...boys hanging out with sps having fun w/e, laughing drinking playin beats
875. i lived that back in the day
876. i had no thoughts abt being a woman
877. actually, i had no gender thoughts at all... i was too concerned with the art
878. i disnt rly tink abt body
879. i hated it forsure
880. i didnt like my image
881. but it wasbt importabt
882. art was
883. transition made me more visually vain
884. i had to care abt my face n shit
885. and care abt my dress
886. my gender expression
(to get some relief)
887. i kinda go back and forth depend on mood
888. harder to show ββββββββ to people im scared with hate me? or not resonate
889. ββββββββ
890. ββββββββββββββββββββββββt
891. ββββββββal
892. everuone in la accuse the other of being flakey
893. im flakey cuz yall whack
894. we some LA bitches
895. its cut throat out here
896. im workin on my movie!
897. outta my way
898. this is my pride abd glory
899. excuse me bitches
900. ya um ya ok thx excuse me?
901. its a good harvest!!!!
...
@3:08PM
902. those thoughts abt making it in the industry type thoughts (beats) are seeping up from the soul
903. soil
904. are they my thoughts
905. or are they of the geographic location
906. i put my prayers into the soil
907. its direct access
908. is that my assertainment of inner power?
909. for some trans queer minority folk, i speculated interest is high amongst these groups into magick, occult, astrology, etc divine, these ideas provide outlooks on life that are not the bleak white supremacy corporate capitalist rich white men have all the power and us lowly scum are just cogs in a maxhine... and we have no say or power... ofc magick is appealing to people who feel constantly struggle against a system... cuz we dont wanna be bitches to the boss
910. we wanna feel in control and in power
911. magick ideology provides framework for that
912. like yea, u can manifesy
913. and i spoke abt this or like this attitude of
914. god can make a way
915. even impossible
π¦:
916. βββββββββββββββββ
917. oβββββββββββββββββother
918. gβββββββββββββββββt
919. mβββββββββββββββββl life
...
@3:21PM
920. i dont dig everything i share on here i document things friends sent me too
(of late that's mostly π¦ and
921. iβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββe
...
@3:41PM
922. i have a spiritual connection to π and π
923. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
924. aββββββββββββββββββββββl
925. i fββββββββββββββββββββββ
926. ββββββββββββββββββββββer
...
@4:31PM
...messages sent to π
927. i have mad demons to slay in regards to media
928. and cinema
929. and game
930. im terrified of like making some shit thats just like whack not meaningful or w/e thats like most "content" being made... or like... i rly spiritually concerned, and rly concerned with exorcism... not providing some entertainment or like amusing spectacle or like "haunted house" for amusement
931. and im concerned abt society and humanity too? maybe thats my ego ish lil bit
932. but im rly concerned with healing too
933. maybe i have to provide some "whack" ((poison) to bring abt healing or like blind detour
934. like buddha @ facebook would speak in terms of like algo human psychology studies and manipulation when relating buddhist thoughts dunno ((if that makes sense)))) totally rifting free rn just had my capitalistic panic at best buy
935. like an ocean of TVs n shit fukin scary in alot of ways for me
...
@4:45PM
... from diary #1022imsosexygaygirlhotbasscomeption
936. a dead skunk
937. just how i feel in the moment
938. ill pray before open the monitor
...
@4:45PM
939. somethign super evocative abt imitazioni a cinque cinevox
940. five imitations
941. some Z shit
...
@4:53PM
952. π: "i been saying that dude, but thats cool, thats cool that you feel it... oh u felt it too? yea thats cool u feel that shit too cuz its real at elast im operating as if it were real i dont send nobody nothing i dont tell nobody nothing, except for like u and like maybe 2 other people total, and i aint sendin them nuttin cuz they aint trans-substantiating much, they just in same spot like they always, maybe i am too i dunno, i feel like im rising from something and im not even 45 yet dood"
953. π: "we gona gravitate to who we gravtitate too... i dont evne know what im doing, i know theres a greater unlying purpose to the conections in my life and i feel especailyl with u, theres magic afoot, im a component in some magic, im not sure what my purpose /relation is, except shine and do me, but def feel possibilities abound, like massive possibilities massive movin and shakin like the oceanicy ode when im in yr fkin sphere, when im shoutin at u and hollerin conjurin channleing towards our collective aims whatever we got going together is good shit, i wanna feed that shit, thats what i wanna fertilize"
...
@5:00PM
954. π¦: https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/54933/ode-
...
@5:09PM
955. we connect so we can help eachother
...
@7:17PM
956. desperately tryign to be ((RELEVANT)))
957. UGH I MJUST WNAN AB ERLELEI
...
@7:21PM
958. https://www.discogs.com/release/3575433-Romolo-Grano-Religioni-Vol-I-Giubileo
959. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H-6aiYTtboI
@7:29PM
960. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JwVLcal9G9E
...
@8:21PM
...
@8:51PM
961. trust me i get scared when people like me
π¦:
...
@10:33PM
962. βββββββββββββββββ..
963. not ultimately
964. humβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ much
965. wβββββββββββββββββve
966. onβββββββββββββββββt
967. (objective morality)
968. idenβββββββββββββββββt of truth
969. its a sense of fate maybe
970. aβββββββββββββββββwhat
971. identity is rly strong
972. iβββββββββββββββββ
973. cuz it makes βββββββββββββββββo me
974. thaβββββββββββββββββy people
975. like how i think sacha stone is a lie
976. woohoo ok hell laugh in my face
977. god doesnt punish him?
978. i dont think god is concerned with right or wrong
979. its baggage
... [1.6.1022]
@12:53AM
...
@3:11AM
980. invalid operation
...
@5:00AM
981. im thinkin abt π
982. im still logged onto SL
983. iβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββer
984. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββoo
...
985. π and i explored around and i took alot of photos
986. in the end... we found a memoory candle
987. that meant we could leave candle messages at the shrine in the church
988. dunno it breathes some reminder/meaning/purpose/fate feeling
989. dunno
990. iβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββuz
991. when we saw that high power jp avatar at primprim
992. woof
993. i really had the like
994. fall in love with avatar thing like
995. love at first sight
996. but also felt like
997. a super powerful entitiy just entered the room
998. really intimidating
999. i have that in me like
1000. when π said "can u fuck an avatar?"
1001. that was a real brainworm
1002. cuz i fall in lvoe with accounts so easily
1003. i think answer to π answer is yea, in SL u can fuck
1004. hββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@2:25PM
1005. dream we protesting in the streets
1006. ig and im crying
1007. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hsAKm1sr2eU
1008. cuz connected to the small group of people
1009. the id shit
1010. some girl plays me her song that she show to someone she date
1011. and its a halloween bass drop in there
1012. its generic pop ishh but well produced whatever
1013. i say to her yea u made the right choice
1014. dumping whoever didnt appreciation that yu made that
1015. maybe same girl was like everything was fine until i showed my one video my one character
1016. that wasn't even that hard core so whoever that br was super weak
...
@4:09PM
...
@4:14PM
1017. ughhhh give me atnn #instaviral
1018. always desperately clawing at the ledge to stay relevant
1019. thats ββββββββββββββββ
1020. jump from platform to platform barely survive
1021. looking for anything to affirm yr #rebalancy
...
@4:43PM
1022. divinations can happen with any sense...ββββββββββββββββo
1023. its like tea
1024. you can divinations with tea
1025. you drink and its a taste divinations
1026. you hear and its a hearing divinations
1027. you look its a looking divinations
1028. you feel, its a feeling divinations
1029. alot of sensory divinations seem to lead me to a feeling/extra sensory or like
1030. the stimulae are just one way tickets to vision bursting
1031. vision bursting being like
1032. channelling ig
1033. and ish just being given to u
1034. and youd need a notebook to keep up with the ish
1035. so dont be surprised if virgin mary tells you to get apen and paper out when you meet her
...
@5:33PM
1036. i wanted π to know that i was a girl from very behin ing but didnt know how to express that
1037. so i took a pic of myself under a blanket to make it lokk like hair
1038. and he called it a safety blanket
...
1039. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββi feel what i believe in or my beliefs...the ones that are rly important...arent related to worldly things
1040. im not worββββββββββββββββeal or not
1041. or iββββββββββββββββr not
1042. iββββββββββββββββt
1043. ofββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββt it
1045. getting to root of real world truths just another blind detour
1046. to mama root
1047. emptiness outflow
1048. maube god put me thru the 4k mon ish to just grt me outside
1049. and with π wred lol
...
1050. diary of a 30 yr old teen girl
...
1051. im trans af
1052. im queer af
1053. im gay af
1054. im hot af
1055. thats power! inner power!
1056. bro like adam when he added me sent me instant 4 snaps
...
@6:34PM
1057. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββght
1058. it feβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββt
1059. itsβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββme
1060. diaryβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββwholesome sense
1061. my like βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββng whatever
...
@7:27PM
1062. diary is a fatty
1063. did a lil blast
1064. gonna tea for a min tho cuz feel off
...
@7:48PM
1065. i need to paint more
1066. alot more
1067. and make my business with 3d be a as much of a painting business as possible
1068. hand paint/draw
1069. dunno theres just an unmissable emotion that comes with hand paint
1070. and animate.. manual artistic?
1071. tinkin abt silent hill again
1072. the mf who did the rendered cutscenes
1073. it was like one homie who made them animated the faces manually
1074. and slept under the desk
...
1075. draft sketch for franx monster
...
@10:00PM
1076. working on this fucking foo
1077. i wanna send a cute pic of me to π
1078. but im too dysphoria
1079. and feel ugly
1080. fβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββan
1081. this βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββtly
1082. cuz it βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ man
1083. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββeally
1084. is this whole being beautiful narrative
1085. like for who
1086. for myself
1087. if i just say im beautiful
1088. and know im beautiful
1089. i dont need the fkin photo
...
...
@11:15PM
1090. it was really romantic to make this sketch for me
1091. especially when i made the 8 vert cock
1092. i dunno i get like really significant feels
... [1.7.1022]
@12:09AM
...
...
@6:51AM
1093. aβββββββββββββββββββββer
1094. blood rushes across the floor
1095. shot of twigs feet
1096. blood rushing past
1097. whβββββββββββββββββββββf
1098. to breathe in the air
1099. did i tell you the story of how i met the holy mother
1100. she called to me ofc
1101. i was chosen (ΛΆβΎα· β»Μ« βΎα· Λ΅)
...
@7:08AM
...
@7:48AM
1102. i rememebr my friend in hs told abt his recurring dream that progressed further everytime he dreamt
1103. starting with discovery of a vent? and he crawled... and got closer everytime to a bedroom
1104. and he said the last dream he was in the bedroom and found a mirror and a brush that had alot of hair on it
1105. and he said it was rly scary
1106. and when i remembered this girl i felt shes a spirit..but we didnt meet her
1107. but i met her ig today(?) in a spirit sense
1108. i told intern abt the forsure woman who sometimes creeps around my house
1109. theres a man too, the woman is more regular
1110. and the activity is most hot upstairs
1111. i dont wanna say weird energies
1112. but there are like specific points in the house where u can just feel the bite
1113. ig they are where i percieve the spirits most frequently
1114. perhaps they are like points of access
1115. or its residue
1116. whatever it is.. its the same locations
1117. time to time i am disturbd when working
1118. ill suddenly be aware they are behind me
1119. very often someone rushes up to me and screams in my face,..usually the girl
1120. always the girl maybe for the screams
1121. dunno... i get scared kinda
1122. i get uneasy sometimes
1123. but im pretty desensitized to these sorts of visions
1124. its not only dirty creepy ghost peeps
1125. ill pick up on random ish
1126. but forsure this house has some haunted energy dunno, i dont wanna call it haunted tho cuz i dont think its bad
1127. maybe i should do some cleansing
1128. and some rituals
1129. but maybe these spirits live here
1130. obv longer than me so
1131. im not particularly dead set on purify or something
1132. its not bad material either
1133. like the one time i was working at pc...and got message to look behind me
(i just got a channel message release me)
1134. and i did,, abd there she was standing on my couch squat over shitting onto my cushions....so i could only see her ass and poop abd legs...rly fkd weird img
1135. ofc like
1136. its meant to be scary or something or weird
1137. and its pretty weird
1138. when i saw it tho i felt pretty like
1139. whayever
1140. and i think the peeps here know im tough
1141. ive forsure experienced paranormal shit before
1142. although dont wanna admit to most people cuz emvarass
1143. and also i hate the idea of like i say im shaman / clairvoyant / channeler
1144. then the people say im "self proclaimed"
1145. i dont say any of these things to push ideology/pholsophy/worldview
1146. i dont say any of this shit to convince anyone of anything
1147. im not trying to say paranormal is real
1148. iim not even saying spirits are real
1149. dunno if that can make sense
(its not abt the reality)
1150. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
1151. prob have to be ββββββββββββββββββ
1152. and for the most skepitcal just point to a tree
1153. and if they dont know what bark taste like after chewing they are a fool
1154. i used to not believe in god and just eat whatever was on my plate without further investigation
1155. ββββββββββββββββββe
1156. and wtf everything
1157. dunno...iββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
1158. oββββββββββββββββββ it
1159. when it comes to clairvoyance personally
1160. its like divinations or it just is
1161. and the message isnt abt is it real or not
1162. people who need that sort of answer will get the answer "its not real
1163. thats why its so frustrating in history we use science to combat mystics
1164. its not even fukin abt science
1165. or true false
1166. like try to proove if someone can read minds or not, or is someone fr fr psychic or not
1167. or like people can come to me and like lets proove if i can read energy or not
1168. i fkin can and ill prob be reading the energy of the science buffs harder than the dead spirits
1169. reading their energy of intellectual discrimination running girls gone wild
(oh now spirituality = invalid cuz muh science....)
...
@8:11AM
1170. its fun to play with
1171. these things
1172. people who are so squarewaved in their boxes are just boring
1173. thread thought of this materialistic soup
1174. digital materialism
1175. what do u know about it
1176. its called itunes library
1178. it's called iphotos
1179. digital seems like escape from materialism but ββββββββββββββββββt
1180. therββββββββββββββββββo
...
1181. yea im insane **
1182. yea im deranged unstable
1183. im delusional word salad
1184. at least i bring good into the world
1195. biiitch u dont even know *hariflip(
9946. im a healer
1123. thats my job
π:
...
1189. maybe i just rly crush on people who are like super heavy thinkers and kinda dark to like cold analytics for humanity and spiritual pain passion
π:
1190. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zSFkHc5kU6c&list=LL&index=2
1191. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7WXHhApdLEQ
... [1.8.1022]
@8:11AM
