#diary
[12/03/2021]
@7:48pm
1. i said i lol demons in the eyes
2. but actually i flinched when i dealt with π
3. and i fled
4. a good ninja knows when to flee
5. im a drama queen too
6. i nuked my server which got severely polluted with break up rants
7. ig this is the new one
...
8. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
9. i got majorly influenced from her art tho
10. i see that
11. god arranged that
12. ig i need to be alone to make ep3
13. ββββββββββββββββ
...
@8:39am
14. and i felt the suicide pain
15. and i listened to nina
"here in my heart, you'll always stay here in my heart,
no matter what the words may say, you will stay here in my heart,
no matter what the day you will stay here in my heart
no matter what they say no matter what they compose or do
no matter what the drugs may do or songs may do what people may do all machines will do to you
i will always have my feelings
nothing can destroy that
cuz i know that that is all there is at the base"
16. and im thankful for this sanctuary
17. nina simone helped alot
18. i'm just in bed now writing in my diary
19. so all that intense love shit all that drama
20. it was all yuri dreams
21. back to ep3
22. ββββββββββββββββ
...
23. ββββββββββββββββ
24. ββββββββββββββββ
25. yet they endure so many hardships and sufferings
26. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
27. i had it too
28. but not so severe
29. unless sea org is numb for me?
30. mamas dont care when they on their way out
31. i need good:crazy
32. not bad:crazy
33. i dunno what to do
34. i have to ask π for rent money
...
36. im feeling super chaotic anti people energy rn
...
@9:26am
37. https://vocaroo.com/1hcSKebbokeb
...
@10:24am
38. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
39. or like wow effects wow cgi
40. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
41. fuck the wow factor
42. ββββββββββββββββ
43. the "wow so cool"
44. π video made me wanna puke
45. i used to like π
46. but now i dont
47. its too oversaturate with emptiness
...
@10:45am
48. sending materials in mail
49. i think thats my last thing to send
...
50. buddha was schizo..but buddha was peaceful
51. at least we portray and like to think abt buddha that was
...
52. im tired of everything that feels or seems substantial and long term is actually fleeting and weak
...
53. just broke up ig
...
54. ..........
55. /////////////////
56. /////////////////////
57. i feel god give everyone their situation for a reason
58. if i ever get alot of media attn
59. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
60. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
61. ββββββββββββββββ
62. its weird to think
63. your divine higher purpose
64. is to realize something that will exist on a screen
65. but its only the screen because of the times...
66. back in the day it was projection screen
67. before that... painting.... photograph
68. still
69. ig...
70. its more a strangeness to be married to image and story
71. narrative...
72. (NARRATOSIS MEDS)
...
73. i feel inspired i have these god given circumstances
...
74. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
75. is currently here today
76. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ... and we live in ths modern society
77. whatever
78. doesnt mean the humans changed
79. all that shit in the past is a human thing
80. and humans are still here
81. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
82. tribal
83. violent...
...
84. there were tons of synchronicities with π
85. tons
86. and i went along anyways even tho i said i should read those as warnings
87. or be careful
88. βββββββββββββ
89. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
90. i was mindful
91. of myself
92. and i ignored myself only a little
93. not for long
94. i really learned from π
95. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
96. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
97. βββββββββββββ
98. i just really really want love
99. i really want intimacy
100. i want romance
101. π can't give
102. π cant
103. π cant
104. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
105. βββββββββββββ
106. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@10:13pm
107. βββββββββββββ
108. βββββββββββββ
109. i haven't really been working on ep3
110. i've been working on it mentally to tho
111. in my head and doing some writing
112. βββββββββββββ
113. βββββββββββββ
114. but the potency of the love was much greater
115. i cried tons over π
116. i was crying for several days straight
117. just at the thought of another person really loving me
...
118. its a math equation concern
...
119. i checked the divinations again
120. the coffee reader hit me hard
121. no clickbaits
123. toward the end of the relationship i asked god alot about the dilemma and god said i taught u everything u need to know to make decision on this
124. and when i got the bad tummy feeling that's when i knew
125. that's when i really knew what it was like
126. this is just like π π
127. this is the same feeling from back then
...
128. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
129. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
130. like when i play sl and get moods
131. we control the avatars and crazy shit happens
132. we laugh or cry whatever
133. i have awareness that avatars pleasure or pain is not mine
134. my body avatar is
135. maybe its not actually mine but the bodies
136. i dunno
137. i wonder if a second life avatar can forget about the user and experience emotions
[that's maybe more I forget my body and recalibrate my body relationship to my sl avatar]
138. the digital form
139. that's not very well thought out ig
140. for some reason im more excited to release diary pages
141. but i have this whole month to live
142. its the reminder of
143. i have to love what ever i'm doing
144. i have to love making the characters
...
@11:36pm
145. i just wanted to have my moment of opening the pack of magic cards with my boo
...
146. my secret technique is snake fist
147. snake fist is a method they use to kill people
148. i watch the upload of snakefist fighter
149. i never sa wit
150. only the trailer when i sampled it
151. and im like i bet u divinations
152. and ofc opening shots "slaying demons" karate kicking claypots
153. and the last blow to the claypot
154. birds are released and fly free
155. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
[12/04/2021]
@12:00am
156. that's my craziness
157. im not completely red tho
...
@9:57am
158. sumo wrestlers playing basketballballerinas
159. dream i saw a huge drry cleaning room
160. green lights
161. green carpet maybe
162. super huge expansive low ceiling room
163. medium ceiling maybe
164. and dry cleaning equipment scattered arounf
165. like was operationsl sometimes
...
@11:23am
166. my family threw me into a super nice beach house
167. and the waves hit sometimes they come thru the not fully sealed doorz and fall thru groovs in the cracks
168. and the whole bedroom rocks
169. i thought i cant do work but only the bedroom rocks
170. staring into the ocean i tight
171. thought
172. god did this to make me closer
173. look out into the ocean
174. i felt so weird
175. to be there
176. my parents still entertaining a guest
177. its not really my place
...
178. huge food run today
...
@3:26pm
179. performance tweeter
180. studies for taxi
181. lets #communicate clearly
182. not its like im tweeted for a pool of could-be-compiled tweets
183. that would be sent to a select few maybe "junk boxes@
184. thats when i stopped talking to π
185. he looked down on me
186. like yr shit is dumb
187. and pointless
188. i love to sit here in the day time
189. and enjoy the beautiful cali weather
190. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
191. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
192. nu station
193. coffee weed vegetables fake french baguette
194. life style honey
195. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
196. so i thinking to myself its not big deal im (not) cranking 3d everyday rn its ok to keep planning sketch and draw
197. mother tree maybe in the castle grounds
198. one head is cut off the only "female" part stored at the top of the tower
199. the tower i shall believe
200. is a magical, not real place
201. u can get access to other spirit worlds
202. u can visit alot of places that dont really exist on the planet
203. you just take the elevator
204. maybe when uzi is shot out
205. she ends up on the other side of the planet
206. which is many years later
207. and theres nothign on the planet
208. sending souls to serve imprisonment in the future
209. on the same soil
210. by the time u land we wont be aroudn we will be gone
211. mother will watch over u
212. GOD IS FAKE
213. redux
214. reflex
215. revamp
216. update
217. there are royal wet plates
218. to catch the water
219. the pure tea
220. unused tea is drained and pumped to an artisinal facility in the tower
221. any royal member with permission can drink around the table
222. usually at the suggestion of the supreme talent
223. who is the authority
224. people cant just assume authority
225. hes like tea boss
226. aggressively like why didn u just drink the tea
227. even tho it seems like doing that would make him mad... he scolds u for not taking initiative and saying sorry after
228. maybe he knows he might scold u
229. he would rather u apologize or something
230. cuz people need to fuck up
231. to feel like hes runnin a smooth ship
232. shit to solve and address
...
@4:58pm
233. t: i dont know whos blood it is
234. t: theres more than any one body could contain
235. t: im not wounded or hurting
236. t: maybe only my heart
237. my heart is beating
238. i breath in the air
239. the same air mother breathes
240. the invisible stench of dream gas
241. BLOOD SPILLS
...
@6:55pm
242. THE COURT COMPOSER MADEEE THE SONG
243. THE BIRD OF THE EAST
244. MADE THE SONG
...
12/05/2021
@1:19am
245. ye
...
247. my loner energy getting affirmed again
...
@5:00pm
246. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
247. it really hurt
248. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
249. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
250. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
251. i felt so emotional this morning maybe hungover too
253. i had twitter for about 20 minutes then bailed
254. cuz their ads so disgusting
255. Worst TL ever
256. im working on the sunflower ig today
257. its a melody of two charcoal drawn images...and processed
...
258. looks beautiful i think
259. but im also really depressed today to feel like accomplishment
260. i want to try painting "inverted" i think i do that naturally
...
261. π really felt my depression today
262. i walked into the room and she said i seemed "far away"
263. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
264. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
265. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
266. SF TRIP
267. post-π....
268. sadness?
....
@5:09pm
269. ig what kills me abt love with artists is u still love the art
270. but now that relationship is spoiled with bad feels
271. and its hard to look at their art
272. cuz u feel good abt it still u still feel the love
273. im telling myself yea
274. well.....
275. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
276. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
277. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
278. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
279. i stopped seeing a happy healthy relationship blossoming
280. βββββββββββββββββ
...
281. feeling empty horniness
282. like (im horny) but fucking myself prob wont solve my problems
283. (being depressed and sad)
@6:52pm
284. scenes get messy quick... gonna have to do some serious categorization/organization when i buidl scenes forrealllll ....ig
285. suddenly////////i find myself working dilligently and carefully
286. yea we not finish or perfect yet
287. but we getting things done thats what matters to me
288. we getting something done....
...
289. the π energy is making me so sad today
290. but i must be strong
291. and dilligent
292. i just having trouble make sense of the art inject
293. our art love tradings
294. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
295. i kinda wanna start over completely on the lovecorp girls....
296. and their outfits...
297. i just feel my 3d is much better now... and this old lovecorp outfit has bad juju from my old 3d modelling
298. they arent "BAD"
299. but i know i can make it better and cleaner
300. my old work is making me shiver ig
301. i really see 3d as an art form now
[12/06/2021]
@2:02am
302. revisited the original light i got inspired by in sl
303. i studied the texture as closely as i could
304. and i tried it again using the custom charcoal brush i made
@2:26am
305. god wanted me to do 3D work
306. i can't question that calling
307. i remember long time ago
308. i went to church in SF...
309. and i saw the pulpit
310. and i had a vision
311. god showed me how to build the pulpit in 3d...
[with blender extrude commands]
@2:56am
312. throwing some ish together
313. feeling more motivated and confident
314. thinkin abt redoing the entire love corp girl shit and head etc
315. do it all
316. i want it to still look like the A:N girls so...
...
@2:08pm
317. i feel really holy right now
318. i made sunflowers on a sunday
319. !
320. and gods light rays.....
321. !
...
@2:28pm
322. im scared about money again
323. cuz i dont have as much as id like
324. and not making so much money atm
325. and seems like ep3 wont come out for a while
326. so ive no idea how i will survive
327. god always shows up with something to help me tho
328. so i believe in that
329. i ordered the 3d space mouse....
330. i prob should save the money but i know its a good investment
331. i want to do that painting shit yo
332. its for A:N business expense super important
333. then the bill for the haus was alot T_T
334. i spent 100$ on food
335. ig i wont need to pay for anything for a while rn
@4:52pm
336. dont feel good about this sketch
337. characters
338. still feel like a weakness to me
339. but its better than nothing
...
340. im fond of the big armored dong
341. im not happy with sculpting bodies
...
@7:08pm
342. doing what i know i can do....
343. the character shit really haunts me
344. its the biggest problem that makes me think
345. *i dunno if i can rly do this*
346. i speculate doing alternative routes for ep3 like
347. na... those dont work
348. i will have to cut corners tho
349. i just dont know which yet
...
12/07/2021
@12:40pm
350. soz jesus im hornhorn
351. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
352. im having success with objects
353. tmmw ill try to redux π from ground up
354. only girl im curious abt is π
355. im sure/:////::// rn shes tiktok
356. and π.... dunno y man π seems deep
357. im excited to be over with this anxiety i feel
358. abt 3d
359. and my feeling inadequate
...
@1:17am
360. im transgender shaman in this digital age
361. i wanna launch early my newsletter but imma wait
...
362. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
363. βββββββββββββ....
364. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
365. i am........unable to sleep in bed rn
366. π provided that π type brainstim shit u rly cant find in most people
367. βββββββββββββ
368. its rly.....over.....
369. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
370. βββββββββββββ
371. depth map....
372. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
373. i said it
374. "i miss you"
375. but to me
376. βββββββββββββ
377. ealier today
378. when i prayed... i did my injection at the alter
379. i did my shot on the prayer cushion
380. and i did it in the name of jesusβββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
381. as βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
@2:08am
382. ugoh
383. we got π on the line
384. ββββββββββββββββ
385. π is cute but dunno if she can hang with the big dawgs
386. well see
387. π?
388. shes an aerialist
389. at least she apprecaited that vid ish dope affff
390. and she's a pyro (watch out u might get burned)
391. what
392. should i take my π dm back?
393. she's online
394. ohshiiii
395. maybe she won't reply is ok
396. i shared my π test poetry on tinder
397. and π asked me if its my writing
398. >>>>>~~~~~<<<<<<
399. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
400. most people don't even realize they are existing
@5:02am
401. WHATS GOING ON
402. ββββββββββββββββ
403. what life events
404. the life events of twigs are the directors experiences as a little girl
405. we felt those feelings
406. but we feeling things today
407. thats why we felt π
...
@5:25am
408. βββββββββββββ
409. she accepted my apology
410. im fleet
411. glaf
412. we won't burn bridges
...
413. yea the fking characters man
414. veronica z being the harest i feel
415. i haven't even tried yet
...
@10:12am
416. ok
417. good morning
418. today i must do sound work
...
@8:16pm
419. finished holy rave set
420. i disassociated rly hard finishing.....
421. ig i heard the songs too many times
423. and the mix is very in your face and loud
424. and louerized ig
425. explosive
426. i feel shellshocked after listening
427. most people prob on headphones and laptop speakers
...
428. i mix as if its going to be played on giant huge PA system
429. thats my target even tho its not really happening
...
430. the wheels are like a revelation of incoming truth
431. prophecy to be revealed
...
432. i lost friends 2021
433. i lost π
434. π
435. π (kinda)
436. i lost π prob (no def)
437. god been revolution on my life
438. βββββββββββββ
...
439. im tryna legit just make ep3
440. im a good gambler
441. i just dont gamble with money
442. i game with other energies
443. i never gamble with money
444. unless buying 3D space mouse is a gamble
...
[12.9.2021]
@6:20am
445. i stayed up all night
446. now imma wait for π to get to her office
...
447. i left a message for her
448. thinking abt a new uniform for love corp that goes harder into sailor
449. i just had a spooky vision of a girl in school uniform floating down a hall frozen in a mid skip
450. she had the pack piece
...
@7:18am
451. i'm just one of the crows sitting in the shade to the side of of sight watching with judgy eyes the moshpit of selfie posting content creators
452. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
453. look at my face look at my body
454. ββββββββββββββββ
455. look at what i was given
...
[12.10.2021]
@4:49am
456. i'm so thxful god showed me they way
457. the energy shit works
458. the prayer works
459. the insisting works
...
460. i slayed the demon of base mesh geometry regarding the v3 head
461. which was not the biggest worry of mine
462. my worry is mostly veronica what her head should look like and body
(although i have concept art from artist named vic)
463. i dont know how imma make money to sustain a:n right now
464. that's another worry i have
465. god tells me tho
466. don't worry about money
467. u will always get thru
468. i love a:n so much
469. reminder from the fans
470. if we can't do fancy particle effects for the explore scenes we can maybe try to set up the smoke as atl or movie sprite
471. but its gonna get choppy
472. we could do away with video transitions
473. but those are so sick
474. i did 8 hour jam
...
475. go back to the eggcarrier to study the smoke effects
...
476. televant
...
477. spacemouse might arrive today
...
478. archive
...
...
479. started to create decemeber newsletter on blogspot.... lots to go thru and transcribe... i feel bad for my onesidedness
480. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
481. ββββββββββββββββ
482. im just a romantic joke
483. friends and lovers come and go but god is always with u
484. i'm not here to have sex everyday
485. i feel immense sense of purpose and duty
486. ig that's just to make my "mentally ill" experience bearable
487. lol
488. i regret falling in love with people
(i dont)
489. im just 13
(im not)
489. sometimes i think
490. im just acting my way through all these love affairs to get material for vn
491. cuz im always fall in love with people who are crazy and have some abuse energy
492. ββββββββββββββββ
(ig mama has bad taste?)
493. i but get the stories
494. and i think deep down i never forget the higher purpose of my little scheenanifans
495. my typos are holy
496. i am the holy mother
497. when i write holy mother
498. i just be myself
499. mothers eye on a TV
500. keep reading?
...
@1:21pm
501. trying to be rational
502. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
@5:20pm
503. i keep feeling confused about the basemesh head
504. like i keep thinking (its ugly)
505. but i think its just needing painting/texture
506. and then it'll start to sing
507. i dunno
508. its just a basemesh so....
509. im getting really carried away with it like
510. i really want it to scream as a basemesh
511. its just the material render
512. with one color upsets me alot
(it looks like ugly apple selfie emoji shit b****)
513. ig its done enough for me to move onto the next stage
(JK)
...
@7:04pm
@11:55pm
514. βββββββββββββ
515. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
516. so i went back to some older versions
517. ig imma use this older version
518. i just dont know how to push to the next level
519. and i looked at my older models
520. uzi and michella and hitomi and im like
521. these are sick af...
522. why am i not just doing painted faces still?
523. the answer is i dont know
524. i just feel like its going to be more pretty in the end if I break through with 3d faces
525. but now im questioning myself
526. im not feeling inspired with this v3 head yet
527. im like
528. i haven't reached a point where im like
529. OK this is ep3
...
530. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
531. i wont fucking give up
[12/11/2021]
@1:39pm
532. i decided to stream to numb the pain?
533. i took some sick ass pictures with d2 mini game
534. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
535. at least
536. i think im going to clean it up abit
537. make it not so biting
538. its pretty gnar rn
...
@2:19am
539. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
540. sββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
541. i def dont know what i am
542. when π said let it all melt away
543. i really felt that
...
544. im still going to take estrogen
545. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
546. i dont know what i see
547. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
(cuz im rly not)
...
548. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
549. yea thats what i want
550. but thats not what im always getting
551. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββy
...
552. my being of existence is so much more complicated than just the apperance of a person's gender
553. i have a phallus
554. and im not ashamed of it
555. so i call myself adam sometimes
556. adamseed
(im adam, but im trans)
...
557. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
558. if im tryign to make sure i look perfectly female
559. cuz if i hold myself to that standard
560. im never gonna find peace with myself
561. i have to learn to find beauty in my masculine side
562. or else i will suffer for a life time
563. ββββββββββββββββ
564. ββββββββββββββββ
565. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
566. nothing about dramatic surgury sits well with me
567. i barely want to leave the house
568. i feel like
569. im a gay, agendered nerd
570. #updates her SL bio
571. im def trans
572. i dont think i can ever really detrans
573. im third gendered
...
[12/11/2021]
(this email arrived on the day of conejo holy rave... its real divinations)
@9:43pm
574. when i speak to π
575. i feel like i still love π
576. so thats really hard to accept
578. that i am helplessly feeling love for someone im scared to be in love with
579. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
580. scared for my riddim
...
581. sorry if this is coming on /too/ strong... i feel oceans of regret that we had falling out the way it did. ive felt lots of pain, i feel gguilt too.... its hard feels cuz i still love youa nd its confusing emotion i can't control. so im not sure if im supposed to tell you that or not cuz i dont know about consequences ig... or i dont really pay much attention to them... i live like that alot on the edge? my dad said.... and "hanky panky" but i never understood what hanky panky meant if it was really a word at all but when he said that ig he was really right....
(messages received)
583.yr very strong
(messages recieved)
584. like everything is a mirror
(messages recieved)
585. not silly
(messages recieved)
586. im def strong
(messages recieved)
587. living is unbearable in alot of ways i feel really weathered
588. haha i think yr incredible too
589. fr
(messages recieved)
590. i never got diagnosis... but im pretty sure if i got anything it would be bipolar or bpd... and all i know that i have, are extreme amounts of energy of all the feelings in the world, all the emotions for me are /incredible/ in stregth... and i love and hate etc... really hard.... i hate that i am this, but it gives me edge with my art and my art is divine purpose for my so ig im protective of that fault
591. i think tho.... in the end.... i feel love underneath my shifting
592. i feel strongest when im love
593. or like trust
594. its a tough subject ig
595. o7
...
@11:45pm
596. i miss the spiritual connection more than the sexual
597. i need the spiritual substance
598. i can live without the sexual even tho i want it
599. but if i had to pick between the two
600. i'll never pick sex
601. imma release my diary shit
602. ill clean it up too
...
603. conejo really feels like family vibe
604. even if theres trouble or hurts... we still came togheter
[12.12.2021]
@12:00am
605. and celebrated and felt love
606. and i bet u people connected
607. and felt love amongst themselves
608. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
609. ββββββββββββββββ
610. ββββββββββββββββ
611. ββββββββββββββββ
612. ββββββββββββββββ
...
613. conejo also has alot of ... devotional artist energy
614. everyone is rly committed to their work
...
@1:44am
615. π came down during the rave and she filmed activity...with her camera...filmed my screen
616. like it was really a phenomena for her lol
617. and ig she filmed me doing some camera work? and blender too?
618. i know its like...another world for her
619. the world i live in
620. imma drop the musiclabel shit rn
https://diuersae.bandcamp.com/album/musiclabel-episode-45
...
@3:00am
621. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
...
622. ββββββββββββββββ
623. i had a vision of us as two naked trans glowing as green blue energies... transclucent skins... glowing... we rose up spiral staircases from the soil to meet one another at the top and we walked across an emerald green glass catwalk
624. it was a spiritual vision
625. cecil said it
626. visions come from above
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RagN7jTSJe0&t=299s
627. ββββββββ
628. and we held hands and walked over the darkness and evil things beneath us
629. we can still maybe see that dark evil place
630. is very real
631. but its beneath the glass
632. like animal in zoo
633. βββββββββββββ
634. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
635. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
636. colors emit frequencies
637. there are spititual colors
638. maybe nonspiritual too
639. but its all in the range
640. i will do pure blue sky for π
641. shatter PROGRAM::mothers eye
642. buddha
643. π
644. love
645. conejo
646. smash twitter
647. smash the mirror
648. smash hetero sexual couples
649. i should try photo yukas head for 3d attempt
...
@4:13am
650. when the lc girls muster
651. the front row lets out a magical ring of power emission
652. a spark of magic ring
...
@5:37pm
653. wondering abt my thoughts regarding diary
654. the π diary posting is not my original voice in a way
655. i got thumbprinted
656. and also the whole like
657. "π said which is related to π said and thats so right"
658. i got that from π
659. and the yes bitch~ we diary up in here honey
660. i got that from π
661. the weakpeople ig...they dont leave imprint on me
662. i love the people who leave a thumbprint
663. especially the deep prints
664. they are significant
...
@5:53pm
665. do u know....
666. tyrain2000
...
667. if u are deserving of love then let me love u
...
@8:51pm
668. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
669. im such a creature
670. i feel like my love is so annoying
671. but its not a big deal at all
672. just makes me question everything in a weird way
673. thats also hateful about myself
674. ββββββββββββββββ
...
(my full chart)
675. im an earthgirl
...
@11:39pm
676. hanging out with π i told her some feels i have regarding my could-be-considered clairvoyant experiences
677. and i had vision how i could talk about it in ep3
678. the nightmare with the peanuts etc
679. and twigs talks about how she sees horrible things
680. but she's completely numb to it
...
681. ofc as a transwoman im always looking for confirmations of "being a woman"
682. when i see I have 6 for my femm... im like YES girl!
683. but.....
...
(huge insecure rant about gender and passing)
684. igigigigig i'll have to just talk to my therapist about it
685. like boohoo im not a "REAL" girl
...
@12:23am
686. i feel i get sad cuz nobody gonna tell me
687. βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ ur obviously a woman
688. chill out
689. or like βββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ i know u blabla but get real
690. ur a girl
691. ig i want to hear that
...
@12:29am
692. π said "lyla its all smoke and mirrors with girls... some girls get thick hair and some dont"
...
[12.13.2021]
@12:43am
693.(^^Κβ‘Ζͺ)(^^Κβ‘Ζͺ)(^^Κβ‘Ζͺ)(^^Κβ‘Ζͺ)(^^Κβ‘Ζͺ)
@1:42am
694. i made a tw for official cpu
...
...
@3:31am
695. ββββββββ
696. it really hurt
697. and i feel bad
...
@5:08am
698. ngl
699. reading my old posts
700. i feel like im a psychopath
701. i feel like i have serious issues
702. we all do ig
703. but i feel my ish hard and problematic w/e
704. destructive towards people cruel
705. asdfasdfasdfasdf
706. often i hear im mysterious online
707. i dont know why
708. maybe thats the only way people can like me is feel im mysterious
709. and when that mystery goes away they'll hate me
...
@5:09am
710. i feel sick
711. i feel twisted
712. i feel bad
713. i feel depressed
714. i feel unfixable
715. i feel not clear
716. i feel like...
...
718. ya know reading π blog was really painful
719. it really really hurt
720. makes me really reflect on my own blog
721. i dont wanna contribute hurt to the world
...
@5:28am
723. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
724. like i want something
725. i want love i want to be devoted to
726. i want to be touched i want to be kissed
727. i fantasy laying my head in π lap
728. but..... i felt that it would be a painful moment
729. maybe π's like this is awkward
730. maybe shes like what are you doing... like this is not comfortable
731. i cant focus
732. and i feel sad
733. i saw myself turn away
734. and like lay alone
735. and feeling cold and lonely and rejected
...
@5:34am
736. i know i have some shit
737. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
738. im not permanently schizo
739. but i have schizo energy someone said a:n was like schizo inducing
740. and thats me
741. i have it in me
742. enough to channel it
743. im forsure not a normal person
744. im broken and weird
745. i really struggled with human relationships
746. like heavy
747. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
748. just bullshit
749. i trust people so difficultly
750. ββββββββββββββββ
751. i know i have some fucked up bpd/bipolar situation
752. cuz i have huge highs and lows and that is predictable about me they are so intense
753. i wanna believe that just being near someone who i can tough and love, be touched and be loved will help me chill out alot
754. i hope that would really calm down my lows
755. calm down my highs
756. or like take the edge off being alone
...
757. i know i can be very like
758. "lets get to the bottom of this"
759. "where do u really stand" type shit
760. i hate that part of me
761. i just wanna have a good time
762. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
763. what are u hiding from me
764. what yr real intentions
765. thats my issues
766. i play games iwth people
767. i palyed so many games
768. im fuc kgin cartzy p erson if
769. i an't evn
770. atpyye anay ore
771. am i ffrkain gup
772. out am i mpancii9king
773. am il ioke π rn
774. or am i fucking acting up a fuckgin storm
775. i hate my idoltry
776. i hate my love
777. its so fucking disgusting
778. i hate everything i loveed when i lvoe anothe rpeopel
779. it bring sme back to im aonly meant to lvoe god
780. i can only oovejesus w/e
781. im just an acotr im fake asfuck
782. ig i really disliked reliving the break up i had with π
783. it was really really painful
784. and it is painful
785. and i feel really tender about it all
786. and tender abt myself
787. how i am
...
788. im such a sniverling little creature of trash
789. i really hatre myself for all this
790. and im not finishing what i really wanna fihjasdfjkasdf'asd
791. fasdfasdl';
792. f';
793. asd';
794. fa'
795. sdf
796. as
797. df
798. asdf
799. asedf
...
@9:53am
800. got a little carried away with myself
801. i played hella piano
802. got alot of feels out
803. very "overly" emotional?
804. then i listened to music that I thought could work for ep3
805. and chushi's "mak" inspired me to make the head again
806. so i dove into a v4 attempt
807. im prob over analyzing it all again
808. something feels not perfect to me tho
809. like the curvature
...
@12:58pm
810. progress
@2:22pm
811. i feel my manic calmd down
...
812. its a mysterious thing
813. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
814. and walk up stairs
815. twigs is wearing her nice dress
816. their bodies are glowing green and have geometeries wireframes
...
@2:50pm
817. blender gives me all the power i need to make a;n thats forsure T_T
818. im so thankful for that@!!!!!@@@
819. need to stay awake?
820. work on the blog bitch!
...
@3:45pm
821. blogspot failing me because the posts are getting too big
822. so im gonna move to neocities ig
...
...
@11:18pm
823. ββββββββββββββ
824. ββββββββββββββ
825. ββββββββββββββββββββββββ
826. ββββββββββββ
827. and god laughs and is like ok
828. easy
...
[12.14.2021]
@12:10am
829. self acceptance is a bitch
830. wish secondlife raves everyday
@3:24am
831. blenders 3.o splashscreen is so... EW
(and ofc its all about the future of "content" *puke*)
...
...
@4:26am
832. negative nancy...
833. π is cool
834. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jGElJ7R1WJw
835. reprocess for monk scene?
836. eye-removal-ceremony
...
837. up and down energy
838. scattered chaotic
839. money stability
840. up and down
841. draw strongly on intuition
842. some of u have to deal with childhood issues
843. primal energy
844. cycles? cycles of the moon big trigger
845. where is home?
846. is this the place?
847. breaking free
848. no tower for carreer
849. public standing
850. kinda people are watching
851. social status changing
852. public standing
853. climax of frustrations
854. very successful....best year for it
855. family comin in building a solid foundation
856. family life
857. intimate relationships
858. big sudden changes foundations cracking need to be rebuilt
859. season of suddenly
860. (IM TOO LONEWOLF)
861. im just loner witch
862. do something on the side
863. love..... u may meet someone who has money or power
864. older /different in age
865. i worship pc
866. i ritual at pc every day
867. everything is on pc
868. i sit on the branch
869. creating your reality
870. "i created my reality"
871. money will be comin in
872. sell something
873. self esteem issues
874. dont be so hard on yrself
875. back on my lone wolf ish
876. twitter is a warzone
...
@4:48am
877. its funny how people in "anime spaces" can have anxiety abt not being "anime"
(avatarism)
878. theres alot of worship in anime
879. i love my anime peeps
880. a;n is the only anime expression im putting out there i think
(but whats neat to me about perception is all u need is the "anime" head and then all other things become "anime"... so just the basic 3d models suddenly also feel "anime" cuz the heads alone.. like everything gets tinted when they aren't inherently "anime")
881. i get to live out my little 3d fantasies
...
@4:54am
882. u gotta know when to stop with divinations
...
@7:05am
883. a storm came and soaked my shrine
884. extremelt important photo
885. im addicred to blogging now ig
886. i should tweet into folders
...
887. part duex
889. π coming over today with π
890. i have a gift for both of them
891. bootleg hellokitty
...
892. you'll be hard pressed to find a trans girl without a discord
...
893. coming up with elaborate world logics to explain why the bathroom is uniform is not important to me
894. maybe i dont wana sleep cuz thats cramping my style when ep3 most important
895. come down to the lab and see whats on the slab
896. making food?
897. when i was on acid during ep2... i puked all over the kitchen floor / into the sink because i was too sensitive to how disgusting my envrionment was
898. maybe my whole indie game dev lifestyle is like an emulation
899. βββββββββββββββββββββ
900. ββββββββββββββ
901. ββββββββββββββ
902. well im really living it regardless of how
903. i barely survive as artist
904. but at least i survive
905. to me thats a miracle
906. at least i get to do what i feel im meant to do
(i know)
907. and nothing else
908. im super lucky and thankful
909. i thank god alot
...
(messages sent to π)
910. i dont feel in danger to talk about my personal life
911. no address
912. no one really get an edge on me not matter what i say i think
913. like they learn i have thoughts and feelings ig
914. and im busy
915. maybe its more material more chance someone hates what they read and wanna fight
916. but i never got targeted for serious harrassment i dont think
917. im all weathered and idolize diary artists
(π painting)
918. im replace all names of people with π (but that last painting is by sofa ofc hehehe)
919. its kinfa gnar cuz hella feels and sadness i feel its important context?
920. but most people will just wanna see pics im sure
921. i think what the artist is experiencing is important documentation material
922. i think so for myself at least
...
923. estrogen makes me feel clear?
924. im a monster and i know it
925. im beauty and beast
(π paintings. using the top as concept for character in a;n, ill release names in the credits)
...
@1:15pm
926. im a test experiment
927. with myself
928. girls abt to come thru
929. am i ready?
930. i feel theres another typical anime girl who has the round glasses
931. and she's iconic or maybe stereotype for anime girls
932. and I have rn is queen from (kirby and crystal shards)
...
@6:38pm
i diary my diarihha
...
@7:31pm
933. πββββ
934. ββββββββββββββββ
935. im horny af rn
936. π sent me a pic
937. ββββββββ
938. and i wonder if she wants that
939. so i sent kinda soft pic
940. maybe its for stirring
941. she has a huge crush on me
942. aββββββββββββββββββββ
943. but we can't rly speak dunno
944. ββββββββββββββββ
945. i flirt back... cant help it
946. ββββββββ
947. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
948. im taking so much pleasure from this diary
949. it was prob hard for π to read my ish
950. maybe its rly over like that kill remainder ability to feel love
951. hate
...
@11:58pm
952. π been a rly good friend to me
953. she's been always share her art
954. and just daily life
955. life would be much lonely without π
956. ββββββββββ
957. getting aroused by malice@doll
958. ig its the tense kissing
959. "a technical staff of 20"
960. gnar
961. serious 3d heads making serious 3d work
962. looks like alot of paintings
963. its just super cool ><
964. i'm lonely again
965. but im not make easier
966. i have to make ep3
967. not get busy with social
968. im envious of π life alittle
969. she has good systems in place to be healthy like movie night
970. i feel like π we cant return to normal cuz we both ninja styles
971. slept
972. this bugbus tweet tho https://voca.ro/1m3lj2CpMANQ
973. i need to make ill ass fuk ost for ep3 but not even started yet
974. ill watch malice soon
...
[12/15/2021]
@12:34am
975. this diary will be a monster
976. im proud
978. spiritual support
...
979. the machinations of financial incentives dont have human happiness or healthiness in mind... its inverse
980. so social media adverts
981. the ux designs themselves and screen real estate energy is imbibed with unhealthy energy
982. its addictive and depressing
(making money relying on human sadness)
983. at this point i cant imagine a world im not at the screen slaving away
(do i need to make art to be happy?)
984. yesterdays soundcloud producer will be tomorrows game dev
985. the saturation effect gonna be wild
986. i tink
...
@12:55am
987. π and i had sexy sex
988. like so hot
...
@12:59am
989. π drew on my wall im rly hppy she did that
990. that old exorcism pic
991. still fuqs with me
992. i think its the eyes
993. im horny rn
...
@1:16am
994. π complained lil abt the food
995. she wouldn't enjoy working in miyazaki studio
...
996. π gave me a mic
...
@1:40am
997. π releasing her sex work diaries
...
998. ig imma ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ cuz i just feel oooof
999. pent up
...
@2:28am
1000. getting that malice@doll torrent rn
1001. this is great example of like
1002. the difference between today and yesterday for 3d work
1003. now its possible for one person to create work as detailed and intense as malice@doll (i think its possible)
1004. and one person in their bedroom could do it
1005. i think thats totally possible now
1006. but look at the credits for malice@doll
1007. its a huge list
1008. theres people ONLY doing characters
1009. only doing visual concept
1010. 7 keyframers
1011. 9 animators
1012. cg
1013. they had a british sound editor/(engineer) i suppose
...
1014. a scene of π@doll walking thru the blood emptiness with large knifes like trees
1015. shes carrying a cockroach shes covered in blood
1016. she stops to think to herself
@2:40am
1017. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VpAuOjoRKeM&t=27s
1018. im immediately like (which nerd gonna give me the laydown)
1019. writer from lain is connected to it
1020. just after lain and digimon omg
1021. thats all i needed to know
...
@2:57am
1022. i love malice dress so much
...
@3:04am
1023. joe administrator is so pretty T_T
1024. this is such amazing work T_T
1025. its such amazing 3d work
1026. but you can barely see it
1027. thats strange to me
1028. that we can barely really see this detail
1029. it just really feel like painting
1030. i dont understand why ig its old rendering
...
@3:31
1031. T_T_T_
1032. ish takes me back
...
@4:14am
1033. part duex
...
@9:58am
1034. my fkin dreamer
...
@9:51am
1035. concept art dump on tw rn
1036. ig ive been doing the "marketing and promo" job
1037. literally dunno how else to tink abt it
1038. solo indie dev doesnt just animate
1039. u never just chatacters
1040. does it make me worse at everything
1041. ig in a way
1042. but i still can work with ideas
1043. need eggs?
...
@10:43am
1044. tired rn
1045. dunno what i can do rn
1046. i had... melodies of fels
1047. of late
1048. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
1049. i feel insecure about A:N today
1050. feeling like *am i delusional*
1051. etc typical
1052. im worried about the tea market scenes cuz i know thats very ambitious
1053. and could be ridiculously difficult or
1054. long rather
1055. to create
1056. ig for real time games, its more flexible
1057. if ur character is not finish u can still make a scene
1058. then later when the chara is more finish it doesnt matter
1059. but for me im filming shit
1060. im treating like movie
1061. so.... i have to make sure what im doing now and later aren't going to conflict
1062. like continuity errors i ran into when working on ep2
1063. my visions so far for ep3 have been very... visual/filmic
1064. i just haven't gotten to the VN part (the renpy part)
1065. which is where i'll have the VN inspirations im sure (working in renpy)
1067. i know ig the question of a:n is
1068. what happens if u make a movie with renpy?
1069. renpy:movie
1070. i feel like layingdown again
1071. a feeling in my belly
1072. like exhaust feeling
...
@1:44pm
1073. i deleted all my concepts off tw cuz i dunno just dont feel right
1074. also π and I agreed to try an informal club for the church so we can just meet with some friends
1075. and we can share things what we working on thinking about whatever i think it could be so cute
1076. ββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββββ
1077. also will share about my big diary project thats anne charlotte/ π / π inspired
...
@2:20pm
1078. indie dev
1079. u gotta social media in 2022
1080. cuz thats the times
1081. u gotta do alot
1082. i respect red blood tea alot cuz she solo her films
1083. took her a while too
...
1084. transverberation
...
1085. omg ngl coonskin
...
1086. even if i have no hair on my face theres no promise i'll perfectly pass anyways
1087. so i just giving up recently on trying to "pass" to fit perfectly female
...
@3:06pm
1088. blood tea is scary cute og
...
https://www.instagram.com/rasar2010/
...
@3:44pm
...
@3:57pm
1089. i am a creature tho
...
...
1090. if u have like "skinny sexy body" then u can wear anything and it's fashion
1091. if its about body then u have to know what suits your body
1092. for some girls that means wearing s&m hdmi cables
...
@5:00pm
1093. should we be celebrating one trillion views on youtube or should we be assigning humanity the condition of emergency?
1094. ofc big brother is excited about it
1095. big bro is like can't wait for 2 trillion
...
@5:19pm
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMJ8wd5fDyU
1096. this boogiepopother track sends me over the edge into deep thoughts
1097. so obvs gonna be making track similar/inspired by lol
...
@6:49pm
1098. whos narrative is this
1099. did you take yr fukin narratosis meds doood
1100. what r u stoopid
...
@7:09pm
1101. first i cMe out as gay trans then i came out as ex-scientologist now im coming out as a bitch
1102. god bless xingming.net is back up b**** i need to archive this ish