tl;dr
not alot of progress on ep3 due to some ish.

...from diary #lawdimsogwu
 [12.22.1021]
 @10:32AM
 1. nu diary~
...
@10:55AM
 2. whos holding my hand?
3. god
...
@11:04AM
 4. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
5. i was never popular tho
6. especially when younger/growing up/early 20s
7. ██████████████████████████████that popularism is prob better worded as "facinating to some"
8. ██████████████████████████████ lowprofile(?)
9. i liked being underground
10. i think about internet like many big cities...and villages are formed...there are hoods
11. online...
12. its like im not a street kid irl
13. but im a street kid online
14. i have street sense
15. ███████████████████████████████
16. and they loved me
17. i felt like mafia-wife energy sometimes
18. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
19. ███████████████████████████████o
20. scare███████████████████████████████law
21. im not willing to serve the time
22. i flexed so hard i cant calm
23. im in bed just stuck
24. ███████████████████████████████
25. ███████████████████████████████
26. i will make my own shit for it
...
@11:19AM
 27. fuckin cant relax
28. so much hype
29. i cranked alot 3d
30. then i transcribed hella
31. and diary work
32. im a hardworker finally!
...
@5:14PM
 33. dream we party with 🍓 and friends? we got super stoned in nyc and at some building play spot im rushing down the hall dancing existing super hard they point out the staff
34. saw me enter blazed and called cops em
35. we high tail out
...
@7:44PM
 36. dream i at a second life club more crazy than usual 🍓 and shit crazier
37. i said to the paeeps. its so gay.
38. what is gau?!
39. well not 🍓 apparently
40. cornwall field trip
41. top of rower
42. the prayer jesus church at the top with view locked balcony
43. teacher had tesla quote sewn into breast pocket
44. this gay kid my friend ask call her 🍓?
45. she presenting boy
46. but lowkey reveal she actually s girl
...
@9:15PM
 47. ugh
48. i feel embarassed tk shared diary but
49. i think its healthy for me
...
50. the only laptop ill use for live show


51. or the 3 lol
...
@9:39PM
 52. i wanna watch matrix 4 with 🍓 this xmas
53. █████████████████████████████████████████████
54. not spruirisde
55. ███████████████
56. and im in hollywood
57. lol
58. █████████████████████████████████████████████
59. l███████████████
60. i dont have ███████████████
...

...
@10:00PM
 61. http://transsexual.org/roles.html
62. gnar
63. but real talk i feel it
64. http://transsexual.org/cherish.html
65. ███████████████
...
@10:28PM
 66. i dunno why i have this part of me like
67. i feel so paranoid to ███████████████ m4
68. i never ███████████████ ya dig
69. i h███████████████ail n shit
70. i pulled a card from https://jenniverse.com/jtarot00.html
 71. forget what it is
72. i read it and the card basically said (didnt cap it)
73. there are extremely powerful people in the world with alot of intellegence
74. but they are too *lazy* to actually show up and deal with shit
75. https://jenniverse.com/jtarot22.html
 76. it was this
77. card 22... on dec 22
78. if cards dont lie
79. that means im good
80. cuz god protexting me
81. big time
...
@10:37PM
 82. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_A6YhZpGlzA
 83. 🍓 asked who (which) astro/tarot i watchin these days
84. 🍓: "what u gave up on the major arcana and now yr doing coffee ground readings doooood"
85. 🍓: "oh dope i saw this b**** she was doing gem readings...prolly in my feed cuz of u"
86. 🍓: "I wouldn't know but that shit seems hella geomantic"
...
@10:45PM
 87. 🍓: "i aint laughing at nobody, least of all u... its all good dood... na im a quester my damn self. i been inquiring i been wondering, im not comin from no judgy place so.. i dunno y u have it in yr mind cuz im just happy go lucky dood ya know get those negative thoughts out of yr mind tink somebodies judging u somebodies laughing at u what u feel my energy bro cuz i u do im all laughy gaffy im all loosey goosey"
88. 🍓: "dood clowning i aint clowning dood but uh yea how quickly we give up on the craft dood *heheheh* here today replaced tmmw dood... it should be that emphemeral... thats how everything should be i think... dont put too much stock in nuttin except like chicken soup for the soul"
89. 🍓: "im waiting for u to discover organite"
...
@11:26PM
 90. hopefully he finish
91. the tarot cards i made for 🍓s mixtape

...
[12.23.21]
 @12:02AM
92. dad texting me
93. abt NFT
94. i get nervous abt dads n shit
95. but thats normal
...
96. im starting to panic tho
97. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
98. and i cant fucking speak that shit
99. anxiety inducing attk
100. i try to log into SL
101. but the samplerate is mismatch with some fucking shit dunno and i start feeling really fucking crazy
102. cuz i keep having linux audio issues lol
103. i made default back to 41000 TT_
...
@12:24AM
 104. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iq60D8pmLxI&list=PLF83209B8D42B26DB
 105. another dig..
106. ig my dads tryna just keep it light
107. but its really anxiety inducing for me
108. i like hosting my shit on neocities cuz they are non invasive (?)
109. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
110. custom mouse for renpy games
111. check it later
112. i wanna play holdem

113. icewinddale
114. im thinking abt old games i played
115. skullkeep? and the Z wars
116. ig i'll just post those cuz they are relevant to my diary ish
117. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KEoba8ABLlM&t=192s
 118. loool
119. i dont even remember where i played zomebiewars
120. i remember it tho pretty vividly and the music
121. not skullkeep
122. interactive fiction?
123. it was huge like budget pc game at the time
124. stonekeep!
125. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OBnhgK3Eg9I

126. check out this writing tho LOL
127. half heartedly tryna dig on https://www.old-games.ru/
 128. but im too lazy to trans
129. back on abandonware games ch
130. its just this old ch i remember that had some GNAR impossible to find chinese titles with most janky 3d and cd qual midi tunes super funny ish
131. its gone now tho
132. i prob should dig on billibilli or something tho
133. but actually that old channel COULD have been taiwanese for all i know
134. it was just mandarin kanji
135. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6tHtOVQZEDU
 ...
@12:48AM




136. "the legend of lotus spring"
137. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqu22_zpl9U
 138. some ISH right here lol
139. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RodoknB_vEU
 140. dis is what im talkin abt

...
@12:54AM
 141. not clear to me if legend of lotus spring was even like legit made by chinese (im guessing not actually)
142. but w/e its some early 3d ish





143. loving this page effect in little witch
144. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AwVBCx0t1r4
 145. ost sounds like on mt-32 lol

146. (its 100 percept mt-32 on this playthru)

147. theres a specfici song i wanan dig up from a myst like game
148. i dont remember the name ever tho



...
@1:06AM
 149. imma stream
150. even tho its am
151. thats just my style
...
@1:20AM
...
@1:26AM
152. dinosaur adventure





153. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JH7A2ngwNdc
 ...
@1:39AM
...
@1:43AM


...
@1:54AM

154. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wv7tfmiLTYg
 155. battle ost at the end is GNAR
...
@2:00AM
156. whence came this foul tempest
...
@2:08AM




...
@2:17AM
 157. ███████████████
158. ██████████████████████████████ normal?
159. no
160. n███████████████ow
161. or wants to
162. kn███████████████
163. the 3d to live action transitions in obsidian are fucking insane
...
@2:27AM
...
@3:18AM
 163.5. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tlg7nOksTsY&t=11s
 ...
@3:22AM
164. im selfishly taking advantage of everything for A;N?
...
@3:27AM
165. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ipoVTL9Zhrg
 166. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5SyzEFqLwoo
 ...
@3:34AM
167. i feel like going to ███████████████
168. rn...
169. theres not really any food well
170. there is but
171. i know i can get out of here and get break from all this noise
172. the oregonite███████████████████████████████ for m███████████████r what ███████████████ ███████████████
173. ███████████████████████████████s genius digger lol
174. the speed
...
@4:06AM
 175. if my friends have some stupidness to them so do i
176. i often think im totally stupid af
177. ive always had that growing up especially
178. it haunts me to this day
179. ig its how i was raise my family/the church n shit
180. led me to believe i was stupid and dumb
...
181. the weed tho
182. im having that anxiety feeling towards wall
183. i should just cap it and say it

184. the feeling in this sort of spooky set....
185. also same as "9. the last resort"
186. i had the deep feeling in the last resort like
187. paranoid calling to
188. indulgant....
189. surrealist
190. work?
191. circus
192. its like
193. the freak show circus show shit
(set designers)
194. and whacky weird and silly
(like the totems u touch in last resort they do nothing but make a silly bafoonish ruckus)
((kinda slapstick))
195. and grotesque
196. and ugly
197. and the circus announcer is this surly portly hairy guy, kinda underground drag (not fish)
198. glittery purple lipstick and big broadway eyes
199. overly slicked hair... and rings on hands
200. and huge lisp
201. the exagerration of this inner circus world is of the caliber of coonskin exagerrate
202. stereotype
203. its my inner freak chamber im really scared to go there
204. cuz i know its in me?
205. seeing this blade runner scene gives me reflections of that place in me
206. like making whacky weird mysterious curious envrionments
(*gets a job working at knotts scary farm as set designer*)
207. i get the "its pointless" depression (demon)
208. i get that with everythign tho huh cuz isnt everything pointless?
(STFU u what r U Fuking STOOPID)
209. i wouldn't get along with serious academy nerds
210. my questions are so "13th century" as one snob said to me once
211. i think imma go to the diner and what
212. just chill?
213. but its not safe @ night for girl and that bug me
214. imma review the streams
215. im rly stoned also
...
@4:36AM
 216. 3d is like first time we can make the most crazy weirdest shit?

217. u can really free jazz like dreams
...
218. serious whack gnar challenge this game ("9. the last resort")
219. i can see why it was a huge flop tho
220. but im moved by the 3d work personally
221. maybe it was a passion project with those rich friends
222. i struggle with fans because i feel like i constantly betray them
223. because i say something to them directly
224. or i unfriend them from discord
225. or some shit
226. ███████████████████████████████
227. just b███████████████████████████████work
228. its hard for me to make friends at all
229. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
230. now...
231. im feeling it like heavy burden
232. i feel selfish?
233. i feel like i have to be selfish to survive
234. to do things as I think it has to be done
235. to be right actioned or whatever
236. god basically tell me to be selfish
237. i feel evil because im aware
238. or because im observant
239. im weird i hate this part of me like
240. if someone███████████████asdfas
241. god has a place for everyone
242. 🍓 did all his research on speed
243. pharmasuper power
244. im not sober myself
245. i did alot lsd and i smoke heavy weed
246. past few days been most clean
247. what i stopped for like 3 days?
248. ugh i dont like my first smoke in 3days to be kinda like "bad trip" vibes
249. matrix 4 looks like fanservice + cgi worship
250. █████████████████████████████████████████████
251. ███████████████
252. ██████████████████████████████
253. i███████████████
...
@4:55AM
 254. ig i get along with 🍓 cuz we both have lot of fuck system energy
...
@5:15AM
 255. u guessed it
256. having a moment >>
257. ███████████████ 🍓 $thats part of my motive
...
258. she ███████████████████████████████ me
259. shes ███████████████████████████████an
260. fuck this
261. ███████████████████████████████
(its a church)
...
@5:35AM
 262. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
263. we all manipulate
264. ███████████████████████████████boohoo im sad and need attn and partying
265. and i need 🍓
266. i ██████████████████████████████
267. shes le███████████████ away
268. i ███████████████████████████████ she left immediately
269. i w█████████████████████████████████████████████ing
270. ofc imma do her a favor
271. by █████████████████████████████████████████████and see the world
272. im in my thirties
273. i███████████████
274. maybe that why i like 🍓 🍓 they both just wana obsessively work
275. they should travel too tho
...
@5:44AM
 276. im rly mad now
277. i waited too long
278. im forsure done
279. this is my signs
...
@5:50AM
 280. am ███████████████mad at
281. this is hard to███████████████i feel
282. im similar ███████████████ie i think
...
@6:11AM
 283. wow i been posting my diary tho
284. i rly expose myself
285. and i feel also like
286. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
287. feels like it goes nowhere
288. l███████████████ about A:N
289. pc glitched
290. body feel lil glitch
291. tuna melt prob why
292. its not good food here
293. i keep tinking i should write more for ep3
294. i wrote the outline already
295. ig people will wanna stay away from me if they know i play public diary
296. and those who will wanna get close
297. will take note if I dont put them in my diary
...
@8:03AM
 298. GET OLD CHINESE HDRI
...
@10:58AM
 299. okok ok diary lets talk
300. i w███████████████🍓
301. i███████████████f
302. b██████████████████████████████e
303. a█████████████████████████████████████████████l
304. ███████████████ly
305. it was hard for ███████████████████████████████s to use this hous
306. and███████████████████████████████ rent
307. (█████████████████████████████████████████████)
308. th███████████████f tho
309. so what she wants ██████████████████████████████so she can rp sex with 🍓 and be gone and shit
310. we all being selfish
311. ███████████████o
312. so im███████████████her
313. f███████████████od
314. i███████████████h
315. i have to be
316. god tell me to be
317. "███████████████████████████████" boohoo
318. ███████████████ █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
319. l█████████████████████████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████
320. ███████████████e
321. im like y███████████████pping
322. yr tr███████████████ now
323. its sup███████████████cool
324. yr███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████omething
325. yal███████████████tever
326. but not here this ish is cancelled
327. im scar█████████████████████████████████████████████ion shit with me
328. but i wont budge
329. s███████████████less
330. she g█████████████████████████████████████████████ke
331. loo██████████████████████████████e here thats it
332. its better that way
333. because yo████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ime together
334. not ███████████████d me and shit
335. i███████████████ (a complete stranger to me)
336. i feel like i did the right thing
337. now cats out of the bag
338. i███████████████uld get destructive n stuff
339. shes lik██████████████████████████████ to do
340. im like bitch u talkign███████████████ figure someth███████████████ happen
341. sor███████████████yr sex rp partying
342. tourism n shit
343. ye███████████████ha
344. she doesn't have ep3 on her plate
345. im trying to raise a kid here
...
@12:06PM
 346. 🍓 emailed me like
347. "i read yr whole diary it took me 2 hours"
348. that really shocks me
349. ig its good writing?
...
@12:37PM
 350. okok
351. lorddddd
352. allmight
353. i read some of 🍓███████████████n
354. har██████████████████████████████d
355. s██████████████████████████████rs
356. ██████████████████████████████t
357. ███████████████ed
358. a███████████████?
359. thats weird feeling i have with people who are really usntable/struggle w/e
360. its like
(you███████████████████████████████ cuz yr scared they will suicide)
361. i █████████████████████████████████████████████
362. i do███████████████t 🍓 fucki███████████████ither
363. and ███████████████y life
364. i think
365. people call you selfish if u look out for youself
366. and you love yourself
(shock vanity)
367. and u care about yrself first
368. thats selfish apparently
369. like really
370. am i selfish to want to work on archangel:nemesis
371. and nothing else
372. am i selfish to not hang out with people
373. am i fucking selfish because i want to raise my kid in an envrionment thats safe
374. and not disturbed
375. and doesnt have stupid boyfriend here
376. and no surprises
377. █████████████████████████████████████████████
378. literally after i had the talk with 🍓
379. 🍓 sent me a bunch of messages thats like
380. playing harder into the love shit and even sex shit
381. like yea i can talk that too
382. but... we didnt say anything
383. i██████████████████████████████
384. so a██████████████████████████████m i
385. ██████████████████████████████🍓
386. █████████████████████████████████████████████"
387. that was kinda white lie
388. h██████████████████████████████g
389. but i ███████████████lol
...
@12:46PM
 390. fingers crossed no more noise
391. fingers cr███████████████re anymore
392. gigs up
393. an███████████████y
394. i███████████████ boohoo and shit an███████████████hear this
395. but ███████████████etter anyways
396. f███████████████🍓
397. they will have b███████████████ see shit
398. n███████████████ouse
399. im gonna███████████████about it
400. FK 🍓 already watched matrix
401. ig ill watch matrix alone then
...
@12:57PM
 402. yea its hard to watch for some reason
...
@1:18PM
 403. matrix 4 is being super meta in your face about it
404. its strange
405. 🍓 is being super loud ███████████████ or
406. i ███████████████ upstairs
407. more cringe
...
@1:26PM
 408. its also like a comedy...(?)
...
@2:21PM
 409. ig im enjoying the part where its suddenly an "asian zombie" scene
410. this movie is strange
411. r u fucking kidding me its a fucking s███████████████ movie
412. if this movie is abo███████████████sed lol
413. i got triggered lowkey tho abt the therapist like
414. this is real yr having a psychotic episode
415. i relate to that a little too hard
416. i kinda feel bad for the new morphius having to like reference constantly the previous actor
...
417. i dont like shitting on media ya know
...
@2:58PM
 418. watching sayonara vn makes me afraid imma feel like bad
419. watching matrix makes me feel like yh im not worried at all
...
@3:32PM
 420. im thinking
421. we can talk about the abuse on black screen
422. and uzis video and we dont see anything
423. but during court case with uzi
424. then we hear everything in extreme detail with witnesses
425. etc
426. tha█████████████████████████████████████████████ing
427. and we have to see surpreme talent take that blow/embarassment or somethin
...
428. ok so yea
429. matrix 4 wasnt really amazing or inspiring to me
(maybe the word module stuck with me)
430. but i was emotional for some of it
431. made me wonder if like
432. biologically we cant resist someshit
433. like strings piano and expressions acting and feels w/e
434. the manipulation of cinema is like imposs to resist even if ur not resonating or connecting (intellectually)
...
435. 3 percent let's diary
436. i know when i wrote in my diary i could say something bad or not true
437. and i coudl appear stupid
438. or when i edit and post
439. i even have thoughts like that's stupid
440. thats' bad to say or whatever
441. my purpose i feel in sharing those melodies isn't about trying to get people to relate
442. its not abt: im making a statement and its true and u should feel it
443. its more abt im just documenting my feels ig
(tell the mental illness doctors to gather around the diaryfire)
444. and i dont really have much thoughts abt them when im not thinking about them
445. i have recurring themes
446. like my anti-technology panics
447. that's just who i am
448. ig
449. and its not some rally or call to action
450. i just get emotional about it sometimes
451. and ig im bipolar whatever
452. i never got dianogsis
(what are uf CUKin STpOOOPID Dude:???)
453. but im def some shit
454. the food i ate today wasn't good
455. i feel the pain in my body my arms
456. i wonder if fries trigger some pain in my body like greasy food
457. recently ive felt alot of strangers in my heart palpitation
458. but yu know what
459. i bet u whats really going on
460. is im having anxiety pain
461. and stress on my body from 🍓
...
@3:55PM
 462. 🍓 stress affecting my body
463. ill believe it
464. █████████████████████████████████████████████ once i started i let it all out
465. i dont give a frock what ██████████████████████████████ it
466. i███████████████████████████lize it
467. cuz its socially ingrain
468. ██████████████████████████████ order to stack cards more in your favor
469. cuz guys(?) fall for that
███████████████t)
((███████████████cisgirl/██████████████████████████████ girl ███████████████))
(((i████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████))
470. and are like oh bb maybe i was too cruel
471. bi███████████████a
472. ███████████████. im not a guy
473. im a tough bitch
474. when i said i fely emotionally manipulated
475. s██████████████████████████████ disbelief and denied
(███████████████████████████)
476. c██████████████████████████████ programming th███████████████████████████ed
477. ███████████████████████████
478. █████████████████████████████████████████████
479. it w███████████████e
480. when███████████████he whole
481. im a███████████████help me
482. sh███████████████ame
483. sounds li███████████████ht?
484. but im pretty adamant abt my analyze abt this
485. yh p███████████████████████████hem
486. and fuck people who wanna take advantage of me
487. i know ███████████████████████████ tend to███████████████████████████o survive
488. ███████████████████████████████
489. ███████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████
490. she███████████████████████████haha yea i dont care abt men at all
491. ███████████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████
492. shit kinda flatlined with me
493. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ wrong
494. sexy ███████████████████████████r lol
495. ███████████████████████████sexy and everyone wants to fuck you
496. that███████████████████████████o me
497. i know its so dumb to say this
498. ██████████████████████████████
499. i want to be desired and fucked
500. i d███████████████████████████n tho
501. too muc███████████████████████████h hassel
502. i dont need to
503. m███████████████████████████e
504. im not a ██████████████████████████████ worker
505. im also not packin ███████████████████████████
506. ███████████████████████████hot in demand for clients
507. tr███████████████████████████ ofc
508. but lets be ███████████████████████████t
509. pre███████████████████████████el
(sugar daddies ██████████████████████████████ ust look pretty)
((wowww how cool it is to be a ███████████████████████████████??))
(((obvs i have some trans girl jaded ness over not being born cis but i love being trans girl lowkey i actualyl dont even want to be with cis guys anyways u cisgirls can have all the fun in the world u want with the normies happily without my inclusions))))
510. ███████████████████████████████
511. ███████████████████████████████tote biology over me in a way my insecurities showing
512. like yh... we are birth girls!
513. ███████████████████████████sudde███████████████████████████ght situation
(a man w███████████████████████████se me? lol)
514. s██████████████████████████████████████████████████████beat
515. i███████████████████████████g
516. boom she██████████████████████████████████████████████████████ney
517. s██████████████████████████████████████████████████████
518. fuc███████████████████████████tly
519. that███████████████████████████
520. e███████████████████████████ me
521. yh███████████████████████████at
522. i know we different
523. but im d███████████████████████████ys
524. ev███████████████████████████
525. god plz heal my body from this stresssss
526. gods been good to me
527. and god taking care of me
528. when peopel said my ███████████████████████████████ was like
███████████████████████████████
529. they really misunderstand me
530. an███████████████████████████sion
531. ig im not clear enough
532. but i said it was best as i could with those tortilla albs
(its like what stanley kubrick said quoting someone else 'if there was a better way to say it then we woulda said it that way')
533. actually they (tortilla) werent abt musicmusic
534. im not atheism
535. im actually really spiritual/religious
536. im tapped into it
537. i really believe man is a religious animal
538. i embrace that crazy shit
539. people who shut it off are just afraid
540. and rightfully so
541. spiritual shit is scary
...
@4:20PM
 542. im gonna text 🍓
543. ██████████████████████████████
544. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C4fjGwVpbm0
 ...
545. ███████████████████████████████
546. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JEo-GetMRY
 547. ring the alarm feels more appropriate for the new years ig tho
548. although he was kinda like
549. rude to me about coming out as trans
550. he said things to me that was like
551. very neglect my truth
552. ya know
553. but i kinda accept that hes not with it like that
(I tend to be overly forgiving to transphobia sometimes)
554. and hes still my first mentor musically
555. and kinda my last
556. and he said the realest ish to me
557. that im thxful for
558. ill let him know ooo sent it! <3
...
[12.24.1021]
 @1:17AM
 559. he reply but nothing much
560. my dreams were firey
...
@1:22AM
 561. 🍓 maybe
562. 🍓
563. a rabbit
564. just random shit
565. some cuddle shit
566. i dont know if i trust 🍓
567. i need to focus on ep3
568. why███████████████████████████ps
569. like███████████████████████████ol art
570. i guess i has that before
571. idoltry ish
572. 🍓 worships me rn
573. empty
574. thoughts
...
@1:44AM
 575. i used to be into girls who are broken and shy
576. artist girls twisted sad and creative
577. ███████████████████████████████
(we'll see abt that)
...
@1:57AM
 578. rereading my outline
579. its tiring forsure
580. long huge and cant blast thru im so excited tho
...
@:4:57AM
 581. i force myself to sleep lots
582. almost 5 rn
583. reality
584. trans woman furiously typing into a keyboard
(u know yr in a different village when suddenly all the anime avatars become selfies of real faces)
...
@5:02AM
 585. i know 🍓 hates hugs but ill give them one
...
@5:15AM
 586. music label sample pack
587. 4.99 only
...
@5:20AM
 588. im up at 5:20
...
@5:44AM
 589. im worried that 🍓 and i wont truly get along cuz im bitch and █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
590. etc
591. but i tell ███████████████████████████
592. my old ish make me cringe etc
593. i was making that portfolio for art school super lame ish
594. when i was 20
595. i haven't done morning pages in so long
...
@5:57AM
 596. meaning to dig this up too
597. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████
598. ███████████████████████████
599. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U9sX4e-fa2g
...
6:08AM
 600. i remember before i got into dev ish i was really inspire by this game's 360 effect
601. which was at the time toted as some new technology
602. that other myst like games didnt have
603. it was a big team behind this game
604. they called it "Z-vision"
605. it had budget over 3 million
606. like multimillion dollar endeavor
607. its totally crazy for me to wrap my head around this
608. here i am alone
609. in my bedroom with blender and renpy
610. and 400$ in my bank account LOL
611. like meagerly rationing out my spendature
(ya know i realize i might have so much extra bite cuz im constantly living in a day by day existance and theres alot of stress that fuck with u cuz of it #TMJ)
612. im happy its this way
613. i dont wanna be like
614. getting ready to go work at some office
615. and cubicle life or office w/e
616. and like meetings n shit with people
617. "well john what do u think?"
618. "oh hey bill!"
(reflections of when that SL business owner (a woman) said "yea fuck working at those office do u think i wanna be near watercooler gossip?")
619. ██████████████████████████████
620. and like engineers n shit
621. you can learn from
622. i██████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████
623. eage██████████████████████████████ oduct
624. i had dream of studio life
625. but with my friends
...
@7:48AM
 626. the word of mother alone is like a weapon if in hands of wrong people alot of harm can be done
627. so nice to be alive
...
@7:55AM
 628. hands of the wrong people? ofc the monopoly of church of mother herself
...
@8:13AM



629. https://www.deviantart.com/mrsgalaxy122
 630. https://www.models-resource.com/dreamcast/sonicadventure/model/43611/
 631. feeling void of writing for outline
632. its tiring af
633. to start from beginning and try to go thru it all
634. ig ive gone thru alot
...
@8:26AM
 635. i keep feeling weird in my chest like
636. not so obvious
(🍓 and ofc family holidays time is always stress time)
637. like subtle anxiety ig?
638. maybe the fucking food i eat out
639. eating out is so trash
640. they just have some like bad energy for my body
641. ███████████████████████?
642. ma███████████████████████t me
643. but███████████████████████aging
644. i might walk around the lake
645. and get some air its nice outside
646. i pray and ask god for long life ya know
647. cuz i wanna do gods work
648. but i wont be surprise if i die young cuz i grew up with so so so much stress
649. and hard on heart
650. bodies are super tuff tho
651. i know this
652. cant underestimate the power of life
...
@8:43AM
 653. i have alot of family issues
(find me a trans person who doesnt)
654. cuz i was effectively shunned by my family since young age
655. and im introverted and quiet
656. never rly myself
657. i dont fit into the model
658. so im cast out
...
@9:14AM
 659. i feel weird even after my walk
660. kinda just doing nothing rn watching zork nemesis vi
...
@9:21AM
 661. mount and blade
662. i miss this game?
663. ig...
664. but i wont play again
...
@9:33AM
 665. the last like gamer shit i used to do was bf1 lol
666. but im off win permanently
667. even if that mean not more vn
...
10:00AM
 668. i really love wandagroup
669. big legend
670. my style feels so crampt rn
671. th██████████████████████████████████████████████████████t
672. like im uncomfortable
673. i feel blocked too
674. no███████████████████████████last
675. thats ok
676. i can break today
677. 🍓 is coming tmmw?
678. tmmw is xmas actually
679. i ███████████████████████████ht
680. until ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████nd over again
681. like we had one talk
682. now i ahve to have another talk a follow up
683. then what?
684. i ho███████████████████████████ to dip asap
685. fam███████████████████████████oney this xmas
686. so i prob wont feel so stress for money for a bit
687. shes ███████████████████████████████ asap
688. i ███████████████████████████████ that
...
@10:19AM
 689.███████████████████████████ shes such a bad fart energy for me rn
690. im█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ssure
691. one painting was taken down
692. im walking thru the script
693. ███████████████████████████
694. in act iii im feeling alot of pain heaviness
695. its good heavy
696. but hard feeling
697. emotions v heavy
...
@11:05AM
 698. the ending rly hits me hard
699. i███████████████████████e
700. im try███████████████████████ like blocks
701. like... bathroom... twigs in bathtub...
702. talking abt her visions
703. then one happens
704. monster in bathroom
705. dialog
706. decrossification
707. etc
708. i ███████████████████████cts
709. b███████████████████████.saturday
710. act I: whats your consent of reality
711. act II: 5G tower
712. act III: gala
713. act i: decorssification (?)
714. act ii: best friends forever
715. act iii: gala
...
@11:16AM
 (images of outline but wont share cuz spoilers)
716. its actually huge
718. ███████████████████████████████?
719. cuz i wanna flesh this stuff out alot with dialog
720. its gonna be alot of work
721. but that will be the fun probs
...
722. end of prelude is so painful for me to feel
723. its rly heavy
724. epf uniform needs to be less chinese communist and more mestwork vibes
...
725. maybe ill only share the prelude cuz its not the major acts for the story

726. 🍓 was extra addition influence for me
727. f███████████████████████it down
728. cuz i kn███████████████████████ds live in my mind
729. ill make sh███████████████████████for me to be loose and not perfectly plan shots
...
@12:34PM
 730. 🍓 2022 resolution
731. 🍓: "smashing the phone"
732. 🍓: "stick to guns"
733. new band?
734. yea wha███████████████████████████████
735. 🍓: "try to suss out why 2012 everything turned to shit is it just the dawning of the age of aquarius or something more significant waterboy"
...
@12:52PM
 736. 🍓: "co-regulating cranking it"
...
737. not feeling able to pc much rn
738. might go to wholefoods to swoop some ish
739. i ho██████████████████████████████████████ing tonight
740. tinking about preparing my bone reading ceremony tho
741. start collecting my crystals n shit
742. ██████████████████████████████████████i dunno
743. but mi██████████████████████████████████████ll get them
...
voice memo sent to 🍓
 @1:03PM
 744. imma try to spit fresh rn cuz i was hearing jokey ish like find me a new agent blablabla
745. 2022... nye resolutions for me
746. are...
747. def no more bullshit on church grounds
748. if i can migitate.. any sort of bullshit that could happen minimize bullshit on church grounds
749. healthier diet
750. healthier body
751. less stress emotionally spiritual yaadaledadu
752. less ideally zero heart palpitation body stress no more jaw shit
753. regular schedule would be nice for sure
754. consistent diary-isms
755. devotional diary-ism
756. devotional work on the craft i selected called to w/e
757. the release of my proj a big one
758. EP3
759. all the work all 3d shit all the writing all the creative shit
760. all under the umbrella of EP3
761. positive creative shit
762. need 2 do that its gonna happen
763. gardening, better relationship
764. grow plants, grow some weed
765. chickens?
766. more stability
767. much more stable
768. find a place in city i can get some human contant not completely isolated
769. good company
770. good positive place i can connect to city
771. and community perhaps
772. good spirits come thru the church
773. alleviate loneliness and struggle of cranking in studio 24/7
774. um yea
775. no more pussyfooting with whippersnappers
...
(end memo)
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 776. pickin bones

777. taking some out
...
@1:41PM
 778. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gaCvckerCs8&feature=youtu.be
...
@3:53PM
779. today just hangout with friends in sl...
780. i███████████████████████████████🍓
781. sounds harsh
782. that i turn my back on a real person
783. to worship screen and internet friends
784. but i care abt these people way more
785. i can tell that 🍓 is really happy to have her friends in sl rn
786. it makes me happy for her

787. someone showed up fully loaded







788. ost at this point in this ballet tho OMG
...
@5:15PM
 789. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JziGSmbw2Vs&feature=youtu.be
 790. ███████████████████████████████ play viper
791. in a crowd...
792. is that #controversial
...
793. pony heads
794. super reality check moment
795. conejo in a lot of ways is my fam
(I dont feel out of place)
...
@5:47PM
 796. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtXTI_7yDtA&list=LL&index=1512
 797. for ██████████████████████████████████████
798. last track
799. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z7DFrnH6u84&list=LL&index=1556
 ...
@5:51PM

...
@6:08PM
 800. when 🍓███████████████████████g her to leave
801. ive p███████████████████████ith her
802. she ███████████████████████e like
803. ugh i███████████████████████ed
804. im lik███████████████████████r
805. yo███████████████████████wntown la
806. onc███████████████████████ feel much better
...
807. ███████████████████████████████
808. ███████████████████████████████e
809. im like ███████████████████████████████out
810. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MKlQkKfQuI0&list=LL&index=1686&t=1878s
 ...
@7:16PM
811. final outfit

...
@7:32PM
 811. Dear musiclabelCEO, Thank you for your recent purchase. Please find your purchase details below:
812. Order number: 1574003182
813. Invoice number: 3443e386-c560-42e4-4ee0-8c72db0d1369
814. Item: Sensual dance HUD (http://marketplace.secondlife.com/p/Sensual-dance-HUD/7294377)
815. Store: (http://marketplace.secondlife.com/stores/145801)
816. Quantity: 1
817. Price: L$10
...
@7:40PM
 818. this comment te dire odieu ish remind me o██████████████████████████████████████████████t
819. she used to play this song along
820. seeing 🍓 in sl was sweet
821. ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
822. i feel like the wei████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████s
823. the on████████████████████████████████to ig
824. we wer████████████████████████████████nt ███████████████████████████████
825. ███████████████████████████████
826. and intense
827. t███████████████████████████████
828. she ███████████████████████ll
829. ig how ███████████████████████s
830. is ha███████████████████████ ███████████████████████████████
...
@7:48PM
 831. ya know
832. i was such a fucking fangirl over silent hill
833. cuz i████████████████████████████████ i was little
834. and it reall████████████████████████████████g effected me
835. and scared the shit out of me
836. but i████████████████████████████████ by its power
837. when t████████████████████████████████e out i was estatic
838. but pretty ████████████████████████████████ie itself ig
839. but i was still a fan
840. so i printed my own version of the dvd case
841. one that looked cooler
...
@8:01PM
842. so pretty T_T
...

843. this is deeply moving me

844. its so lowpoly im impressed
...



845. so beautiful T_T

...
@8:38PM
 846. i feel like i did shit today
847. but i think i has to
848. i outline
849. and sl most the time
850. i kinda just spacing out in my chair idly and listen to music and play dress up
851. that's the type of pc game i play when im off ig
852. sl is the only game i rly play
853. even tho its kinda not a game imo
...
@9:17PM
 854. i just drem that 🍓 (?) fell asleep next to me at the PC while i had sonic models open in blender
855. i turn lights out and we moved to the bed
856. ███████████████████████████████
857. like its 2 sleepy
858. we just fall asleep on the bed
859. and its like big hit energy
860. hug
861. im thinking abt 🍓 coming tmmw
862. and i start to cry
863. my face feels lowpoly
864. i dont know why i am crying/
865. i dont know if im sad
866. maybe 🍓 is the closest thing to my circle i got rn
867. even tho we not that close
868. talk about taurus
...
@9:35PM
869. i told 🍓 ily
870. hopefully i dont dan sleep
871. i just dont know if im on right head space
872. ███████████████████████f 🍓
873. ███████████████████████
874. she ███████████████████████
875. ███████████████████████ i want her
876. its ███████████████████████
877. im not ███████████████████████ to love ███████████████████████ girls
878. s███████████████████████████████es me too much
879. i might call 🍓
880. 🍓
881. 🍓 🍓
882. 🍓 🍓
883. 🍓 🍓
...
@10:45PM
 884. nightmare of my own game
...
[12.25.1021]
 @12:24AM
 885. dream again
886. 🍓 upstairs in ear shot
887. she's speaking to herself about what she dreams one statement at a time
888. she repeats herself in a creepy voice that's like really weird crazy
889. like fast breathless demonic higher pitch harsh
890. kinda abstract
891. im like yo
892. and she's not hearing me or shes still doing it
893. and she's lost her mind
894. it gave me feeling she's losing her grip
895. the lonli make her crazy and she's not able to handle it
896. she's becoming demonic
...
@12:30AM
 897. maybe she's at risk to become evil from the spirits
898. cuz she's weak
...
@5:09AM
 899. im kina up now
...
@5:14AM
900. this hits hard
901. tears falling from my eyes
902. i already said but
903. i w███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████love
...
904. im scared our math will turn into an abuse riot
905. cu█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████e
███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
...
messages sent to 🍓
 @5:38AM
 906. gm....████████████████████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
...
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 907. i feel relieved to say that somehow
...
@6:10AM
 908. my blood fam
909. they in xmas garb
910. with big smiles
911. its good im not there
912. i cant participate in the roleplay
913. well for my i would have to roleplay to fit in
...
messages sent to 🍓...
 914. apparently theres certain frequencies built into the human body like... biological/evolutionary type things(im no scientist its ish i read awhile ago)... but the frequencies fall in the range of the macaque monkey scream. when i was making ep1 i watched videos of macaques running around screaming in asia... i made this sound design for A:N i use it alot of rlike horror tense stuff dunno if you can really notice it tho cuz its subtle? "tensionfreq.mp3"
915. dunno if my final ver really resemble monkey scream but i made it after analyzing lol
...
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 @6:58AM
 916. my swings
917. i always come around to my house is monastery
918. i kinda forgot that cuz 🍓
919. she tried to change the subject
920. into tourism hotel
921. but i resist and maintained church
922. you shouldn't be here if you cant be a nun
923. thats end of story
...
messages sent to 🍓
 924. i think i shoulnd't have people at this monastery
925. if they aren't obsessive devotional types
926. if that makes sense
(messages recieved)
 927. 🍓 isnt a nun
928. i think shes experiencing shock from nun life
929. seriously
(messages recieved)
 930. haha
931. thats actually rly dawn on me rn
(messages recieved)
 932. yea we need party girls on earth to maintain balance
...
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 @7:36AM
 933. pc-less
934. nu type of homelessness
...
@7:47AM
 935. gran misgender me on xmas so it mess with me
...
@9:03AM
 936. my pc stopped working today
937. ██████████████████████████████████████
938. lol ig that ██████████████████████████████████████ at arch
939. i d██████████████████████████████████████ happened
940. i think cuz ██████████████████████████████████████g on lts
941. some shit
942. it doesnt make sense
943. but i moved over to latest kernal for nvidia and linux
944. now everythings good
...
@9:12AM
 945. cant have it all
946. i r██████████████████████████████████████████████jack
947. when i run ble███████████████████████unds
948. i changed settings in blender
949. changed buffer 4069
950. and sample rate to 44.1
951. ig it does███████████████████████g sound in blender
952. when i reboot ble██████████████████████████████████████████████ occur
953. may███████████████████████tch (no dramas)
...
@9:22AM
 954. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmAOWH1Ntqs
 955. last███████████████████████?
...
@10:41AM
 956. playin piano
957. feelin insecure as usual like
958. cant figure it out
959. im really drawn to simple melodies tho
960. i feel like well
961. i shou███████████████████████ere
962. i haven'█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ng for ep3
963. all my playing rn is just like fluff███████████████████████nt get too rusty
...
@10:51AM
 964. i feel rly chilled rn cuz i have money ig?
965. i dont even care if I cant make shit rn
966. but even when i was making so much shit
967. i didn't make much money
968. this takes me back
969. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4L_CRD64FfE&t=74s
 970. unknown memories
...
@11:00AM
 971. https://nippletapes.bandcamp.com/album/yyy

...
@11:24AM
 972. i reach out to nippletapes thru old vk account
973. not sure if he active there still
...
974. tapes...tbh tho
975. TBC
976. tarot machine
...
977. OMG pij T_T

...
978. https://files.catbox.moe/29fhyu.flac
 ...
979. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
...
@11:57AM
 980. fasho
981. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AZc_eRzAAp0&list=LL&index=3&t=1s
982. credit roll concept for ep3
...
@12:09PM
 983. im thinking tho often
984. what frequencies do i wanna explore
985. which frequency groups?
986. which friends....
987. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r4pJlj_bteQ&t=262s
 988. the slow string ish @ 2:00 especially
989. speaking to me
990. it goes so well with image
991. also i was learning apolcalypse s███████████████████████ w/e (i cant spell sorry)
992. that one piano track
993. i learned the melody from that too
994. cuz i wanna digest and reinput readjust and explore those relationships
995. and see where it can take me
...
@1:12PM
 997. hopefully she can give the world some style with these (cuz i never wear)
...
@2:48pm
 998. https://m.soundcloud.com/hovunts/monograms-for-piano-2?in=hovunts%2Fsets%2Fpieces-monograms-for-piano
 ...
@3:19PM
 999. https://files.catbox.moe/4wiwda.mp3
 1000. https://files.catbox.moe/ghwhhk.mp3
 ...
@4:28PM

...
@6:11PM
 *posts first beat on youtube*
██████████████████████████████████████████████
...
@6:48PM
 1001. in bed to rest
1002. 🍓 rly bright my day
...
[12.26.1021]
 @12:20AM
 1003. i crashed at about 7
1004.but i woke @ 12
1005. gonna try to sleep more
1006. wake at 4
1007. 5
1008. 🍓 didn't reply
1009. its ok
1010. 🍓 said to me i should be careful cuz she███████████████████████d she knew cats like that
1011. ig 🍓 wo███████████████████████raw
1012. sorry 🍓
1013. its w███████████████████████nt that
1014. and a███████████████████████self
1015. i think i███████████████████████move on
1016. maybe w███████████████████████ho make her angry
(OH SHUT UP ALREADY BITCH)
1017. m███████████████████████ of them>
1018. i wont burn███████████████████████s?
(i feel like an audience is watching my transcribe my diary and often they just BOO at me n shit)
((but im laughing to myself re-writing my stupid shit))
1019. bu███████████████████████me wanna block her
1020. that's no███████████████████████?^~*
(feeling like a psycho)
...
@4:48AM
 1021. 🍓 didnt reply
1022. i gu███████████████████████ure too have offered
1023. and ███████████████████████wered
1024. im kinda like ███████████████████████ to offer
1025. i had a bunch of whatever dreams
1026. 🍓 is here
1027. im happy
1028. 🍓 is still here
1029. sh███████████████████████ks
1030. sucks for me
1031. cry baby shi
1032. complai shit
1033. 🍓 write me for xmas that make me happy
1034. i love 🍓 and 🍓
1035. i might take 🍓 out for brek
1036. cuz i dont wanna deal with 🍓 at all
...
1037. im getting ready
1038. to make love to my diary @ unpresedented levels
1039. unleashing my lonely dysfunction into productivity creative
1040. sealing the fires with white fabrics <~ utterly pointless
1041. flowerly lang suck my girlfyk
1042. im waking up today like
1043. this suicide/:love girl ███████████████████████████████
1044. tip kar
1045. my news tears red ssolutibs
1046. kicked the cute girl to the curb
...
@5:47AM
 1047. im up
1048. nervous my typin will wake 🍓
...
@5:54AM
 1049. dno wt 2 do
1050. mybe walk
...
@6:07AM
 1051. my nxt probs 2 solve

1052. this mysterious sdd
1053. 32mb disk?
1054. i cant id it
...
@7:39AM
 1055. dream 🍓 said she's leaving in 8 min but those 8 min will feel like years cuz blabla some dumb
1056. wish it was real
...
@7:50AM
 1057. this program is about twin flame matchmaking (aesthetics driven)
1058. algo force fed aesthetics into people
1059. then auto match make later
1060. like bred for matching
(another thought about "its all empty and not substantial and meaningless pointless")
...
@9:05AM
 1061. im at the diner
1062. imma get massage soon
1063. i got not much
1064. i disl███████████████████████t
1065. sor███████████████████████od
1066. i j███████████████████████one now
1067. i know 28th is fast af
1068. im thankful
1069. thin███████████████████████immediately
1070. they can███████████████████████il longer
1071. for me ███████████████████████her gone in a few day
1072. i also ███████████████████████ouse(?)
1073. an███████████████████████there
1074. she ███████████████████████ve
1075. but she c███████████████████████ould
1076. if she███████████████████████ed to cause harm
1077. cuz whatever bitches be crazy etc
...
@9:30AM
 1078. 1022: no more suckering up to people who don't deserve me
1079. im playing my tw game selfishly
1080. ill fo██████████████████████████████████████████████:n
(lie)
1081. its ███████████████████████ce or not
1082. i dont care for social rly anymore
...
@10:05AM
 1083. piano again just make sure i dont get rusty
1084. 🍓 is here she's working on recreating envrionment from her dream
...
@10:34AM
 1085. gave svetlana a dick for fun?
...
@10:34AM
 1086. feat bladee? im OUT
...
@10:44AM
 1087. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tg-FX3G29xc
1088. would be useful to decorate tea slums with this ish
1089. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZeGZSpmKK4
 1090. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a4Q94_0nvTI
 1091. i fucking hate ninja turtles tbh LOL
1092. Happy new year 2022 Dj Competition 🔇 Nagin dance 🔇 Nagin music Dj 🔇 Nagin DHUN 🔇 Nagin Banjo Music

1093. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M-mACj4qRo4
 ...
@11:10AM
 1094. no energy today
1095. laying down
1096. 🍓 is cute
1097. im a little tired tho
1098. cuz of██████████████████████████████████████████████ng
1099. or like i feel lik███████████████████████o me i think shes a cut███████████████████████ ███████████████████████
1100. fired my 🍓
1101. twitter is garbage
1102. im kinda in bad moods cuz 🍓
1103. i dont feel used persay
1104. i feel drained of energy tho
...
@12:50PM
 1105. selling attn?
...
@1:07PM
 1106. slept agin like
1107. slept at 6PM yesterday
1108. slept into the night
1109. woke at 5
1110. but slept again
1111. woke up for brek
1112. then slept again
1113. woke rn
1114. still sleepy
1115. my hair feels greasy
1116. wanna shower?
1117. my hair gets oily really quickly and i really hate it
1118. i hate my hair///its really thin
...
@1:47PM
...
@5:22PM
 1119. 🍓 and i streamed live
1120. it went really well and was rly fun and healthy
1121. i tink 4 both of us more productive use of our time together considering shes only here one more night and its easy for us to just make a bunch of sounds for long stretches of time
1122. shes really strong
1123. ██████████████████████████████████████ gifted
...
@6:02PM
 1124. a:n is exorcism ritual
1125. 🍓 is technically queer
...
@6:17PM
 1126. i was fantasy holding someone next to me in my sleep
1127. emulated intimacy thru my own touch to myself
1128. https://brrd.bandcamp.com/album/brrdvevo
 ...
@6:45PM
 1129. in bed again
1130. nobody is next to me as per usual
1131. im used to it
1132. but 🍓 is there on the other end of the room
1133. the other side of the changing wall
1134. changing mirror
1135. i order us pizza cuz
1136. i███████████████████████at
1137. cheese pizza
...
[12.27.1021]
 @2:11AM
 1138. sleepy
1139. another dream a shitty family dynamic
...
@3:23AM
 1140. dream agin about family fight
1141. but this time 🍓 is in the toilet
1142. we cuddled (in a car)
1143. my dreams so consistently bad about parents drama
1144. i just washed some peace time with 🍓
...
@3:53AM
 1145. gran called me broth....sister.....
...
@3:53AM
 1146. i wrote about 🍓 in ep1 channeling holy mother
1147. empty horny
1148. 🍓███████████████████████████████
1149. i said she ███████████████████████████████l
...
1150. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T-REPPuyoe4
 1151. yt have many secrets

...
@4:42AM
 1152. no shame vanity
1153. three more days until what nu diary
1154. imma release next diary as nye piece
1155. start the next one jan1st
...
@5:00AM
 1156. sad 🍓 leave soon
1157. bummer
1158. ███████████████████████████████
1159. i will be alone for nye
1160. it seems
1161. unless 🍓 suddenly decides to visit
...
@5:19AM
 1162. sl is one way to meet a bitch
...
@5:25AM
 1163. funny whe sl people hang out we just dress up in the same room
1164. and people show off their avatars
1165. the things you discovered in your preparation prostrate
...
1166. why do trans people get hated on so hard by these dumb trash hetereo humans
1167. trans people getting hated on even if they out or not like bitches cant even hide
1168. i am so tired ig
1169. thinking about these lowly humans who think they can do their little hate game
1170. and laugh about it boast about it
1171. trash humans
1172. the trash cismen
1173. and trash cisgirls
1174. i kind hate cispeople by default in some ways i feel bad about that but
1175. a███████████████████████y
1176. i██████████████████████████████████████████████ce trans
1177. li███████████████████████pronouns
1178. but i think transness is something inherant and deep soul level type shit
1179. for me i percieve that
1180. in other transy peeps
1181. but█████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████ting along
1182. i think id like to be with a trans girl
1183. but shes a rare gem
1184. a███████████████████████████████
...
@6:00AM
 1185. 🍓 replied
1186. and just randomly talk about fluff
1187. i███████████████████████
1188. glad im not on her hate list
...
@6:18AM
 1189. s███████████████████████n
1190. i thin███████████████████████o hard tbh
1191. and she's too███████████████████████thing
...
@6:59AM
 1192. but i shared my thoughts anyways
...
messages sent to 🍓
 1193. and when i offer you to come here (the second time) i had more awareness of that alotness muchness. but yh when u get caught up in delusions of distrust i think its pretty hard to come out of it. maybe its not delusions tho like... maybe these bitches aren't good for u actually... hard to say. i relate to your words ya know on a personal level cuz i feel similar, im not so scared tho cuz im in a secure house and feel like some unpresedented power to be myself without suppresing... i hate suppressing myself even my crazy bad shit...
1194. i think the heart doesnt lie even when in the midst of psychosis (psychosis being just example)
1195. the reasons i say the things i do to you is because i know you are magical, and dunno, i feel like you are cut from a certain cloth that most arent
1196. and when we deal with denim we don't wash the denim
1197. and when we deal with wool, u gotta make sure ud ont shrink it
1198. hope my words dont stink up your area... i love you and come from a place of love. im also totally crazy and maybe i can't calibrate that love effectively. but that's me.
1199. sorry i indulge (i just have more for u)... i think people are drawn to art that has "bite" or "edge" 刃.... but people dont understand the source of that bite or its only something u wanna take from (whilst afar).... like get too close to the fire you get burnt. and that made me feel like monkey in cage something or like... some how existing but never really cuz nobody really wants it only the things they take (my essense is not good, only the things people consume)... people often love from afar cuz they can't handle that fire and i dont blame them?
1200. i think many people who like u cuz yr good artist w/e they are not liars, its just a love that only extends so far.. and when i think abt self love.. i think thats teh only love that can truly extend the furthest within w/e or like gods love.... i often turn to god as only person who truly loves me etc cuz of this... i have to love myself otherwise theres no love period cuz nobody can truly love me like god can.
1201. okok im done!!! >~< sorry ^^
(messages recieved)
 1201.1: offline vs online its hard for me to draw a line. thats juss me tho... your beliefs are apart of u and they are a handful haha..
1201.2: ████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
1201.3: hard 4 me to digest old relationship dyanmics for replies but i read them.. always lesson learnt w/e from love... that was like all my 20s lover after lover in the name of lessons and writing material gathering...
1201.4: I relate to the "i'm not meant for humans thing" but i think its context calibrations / just perspective outlook games to arrive at good or band conclusion...
1201.5: when i read abt like "outsider" artist henry darger (he) wrote in his diary like day before death abt bitterness in loneliness... im like god didnt rly make that person compatible for humans a certain way but his role still fufilled some divine purpose and it was raelly positive much more positive than some fluffy cheap fleeting thing as sex or romance w/e hehe...
1201.6: and ofc that artist wrote alot abt god n stuff and religious moods
1201.7: in his apt there was a sheet of paper ontop a messy pile "what is god" with numbers... i was sad the people filming the state he left his apt put more care into actually showing in focus what he wrote but maybe best not cuz thats so invasive (even for someone whos dead imo)
...
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 @8:10AM
 1202. we used to use crystals back in the day rite
1203. ███████████████████████████████tals
1204. i dunno
1205. capitalism isn't concerned with truth
1206. thats for sure lol
...
@9:12AM
 1207. hands r frozen from outside
1208. imma transcribe today
1209. 🍓 last day
1210. 🍓 left too
1211. imma be alone tmmw
1212. cant wait?
1213. nye i'll be in SL probs
...
@9:19AM
 1214. trying to do hand stretches
1215. l██████████████████████████████████████o
1216. to do transcription
...
@9:25AM
 1217. showing internet stranger my old e-meter videos
1218. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B1e5mFfAjts
1219. back when i had access to a bunch of emeters
1220. and i broke the meters out and ran some experiments
1221. didnt discover much other than some artistic relief ig
...
@10:11am
 1122. yea and i remember when i left my notebook out in my studio at art school
1123. someone came into my studio and went thru my notebook
1124. just casually invading privacy
1125. (this is why i hate shared art studio cuz people have zero respect when yr not there)
1126. someone read my diary and read something they didnt like
1127. and they wrote underneath where i wrote like "you are so stupid person" type beat
1128. i never forget that one
1129. but i know
1130. they are the real "STOOOPID" person
1131. they just jelly of my real
1132. and like totally obvs u were so fucking conflicted for obnoxiously going thru someones personal belongings with zero regard
1134. wildly interperting things at your whims desires without having any substance of reality
...
1135. i am a fucking clown
...
@12:29PM
1136. yea but i'll prob never belong in a place like that
1137. the DOJO however
...
1138. yay NIPPLETAPES blessed me for using his music for A:N T_T
1139. when lee fraser gave me blessing to use his songs i literally fucking cried
...
1140. its easy to fall in love withsomeone (obsessively devotionally idoltry) that u know its not meant to be?
1141. like impossible love is the strongest love
1142. sign my BOOB
1143. beatlemania
...
@2:30PM
 1145. ive got thoughts for days n dis aint 1 of em
1146. the hate is healin slowly im kinda panic today
1147. accidently dm 🍓 this

1148. just need massage
1149. got the strong girl @4
...
@2:37PM
 1150. feelinf intense anti people energy rn
1151. █████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
1152. ███████████████████████████████rld
1153. we all suffer from system
1154. a███████████████████████████████aulty
1155. the wo███████████████████████████████shit
1156. is it better t███████████████████████████████by food chain
1157. i thi███████████████████████████████long
1158. my diary shit feels like a protest
1159. haha bitch what?
1160. i mean l███████████████████████████████ecure sales
1161. to propel some image of some artist that defent
1162. im a fucking mess
1163. and prob evil in alot of ways
...
@2:47PM
 1164. i ate.
...
@3:39PM
 1165. gonna get savagely beaten to a pulp by joe@admins metal cock
1166. i told 🍓 we cuddled in a dream
1167. im sure she will take that lightly
1168. (sarcasm)
1169. EYAAAAAA
1170. *scream*
...
@5:18PM
 1171. 🍓 got me all worked up
1172. in a good energized way
1173. over his words
1174. i dont know how to reflect on them right now cuz im kinda energized from my massage
1175. and i said a big thank you to 🍓
1176. then i offer to send money to 🍓 for flight that got cancelled.
1177. ███████████████████████████████n
...
@5:50PM
 1178. ok im relief
1179. s███████████████████████████████ney
1180. i really felt like i needed to
...
1181. she read my diary
1182. ███████████████████████████████
1183. b███████████████████████████████d
1184. ███████████████████████████████rs
1185. i know its alot to ask
1186. i███████████████████████████████u
1187. plz dont hate me for it
1188. i actually love you
1189. i think i need to hate peopel sometimes?
1190. because im fucking crazy?
1191. i need to experience my endless frustration i have with human relationships (all shapes and sizes)
1192. relationships are super difficult for me ig
1193. the people who continue to love me n shit thru my own craziness i rly fucking take note of them
...
@6:05PM
 1194. this diary shit
1195. ig its my own vanity:experiments taken super far
1196. further than when i video myself pissing into a bottle and posted on tw on some close up gnar gnar ish(?)
1197. i put some really gnar pics out too (i felt rely FREE spirit lol)
1198. w███████████████████████████████
1199. i██████████████████████████████████████
1200. i ██████████████████████████████████████ time
1201. my sex work career lasted as long as my mania... afew days?
1202. i sold one video to blarg23023
1203. whatever
...
@6:22PM
 1204. opera is dead
1205. as much as painting
1206. maybe they evolve ya know
1207. its just not like it was back in the day
1208. like prime time etc
1209. its not prime time for opera and painting
1210. its prime time for like netflix?
1211. and video games?
...
@6:31PM
1212. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Il_combattimento_di_Tancredi_e_Clorinda
 ███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
███████████████████████████████
1213. these old heads did crazy shit
1214. really surreal....
...
1215. getting epub of this Jerusalem Delivered ish rn

1216. the signs
...
@7:12PM
 1217. in bed
1218. ███████████████████████████████
1219. im not used to it
1220.███████████████████████████████poetry
1221. and pulled███████████████████████████████ meter etc
1222. and i ███████████████████████████████at i never knew had name
1223. i never know what pros███████████████████████████████ntil today
1224. the types of poetry
1225. dunno
1226. i felt like i shouldn't learn this ish
1227. and i shouldn't pump myself with concepts
...
@7:20PM
 1228. my arms just hurting rn
1229. left arm
1230. feels like my bone or some shit
1231. i dunno why my body like this
1232. i wanna believe it anxiety pain
1233. i lowkey feels like it runs down to my fingers sometimes
1234. maybe all the typing
1235. and pc work is contributing too
1236. what i break for a few days
1237. might be good
..
@7:32PM
 1238. i hear a clock ticking but it's prob there water drops
1239. my arm is forsure in pain from some strain
1240. 🍓 leaves tmmw
1241. legit i might take a vacation
1242. just alone to myself
1243. no work no typing
1244. no transcription (oppsies im doing that rn)
1245. not sure what just tea
1246. and meditate
...
[12.28.1021]
 @6:58AM
 1147. ███████████████████████████████
1148. i feel comfortable
...
@7:10AM
 1149. i have to mass laundry


1150. i have to replace batteries in smoke detectors too apparently
...
@7:57AM
 1151. ok im at diner
1152. i mean cafe
1153. i mean strip club
1154. i mean bingo nightsorry
1155. i mean un
1156. the bar
1157. im stripping
1158. floorbound
1159. shoes poking his eyes out

...
@8:06AM
 1160. can we have a holiday thats like... just one day, all corpos celebrate by removing all ads from their services? nobody talking abt brain pollution. i rly wont be surprise if we discover new mental illness that can be attributed to information overload/aggressive advertising
...
@8:26AM
 1161. will2bethunder
1162. revelations of a nu prophet
1163. ep3 is the VB
1164. ███████████████████████████████
1165. its 1022
1166. i know what i want to avoid
1167. this like sequence of images videos and song
1168. like "adventure" emotion
1169. i want to avoid i think
1170. its rly common in movies (montage?)
...
@8:43AM
 1171. anal divinations
1172. "butt juice readings"
1173. abject horniness
...

...
@9:43AM
1174. some texts from my first novella attempt "mammoth"

...
@10:20AM

1175. chinese water torture
1176. feel sick? a lil groggy maybe
...
@11:02AM
 1177. humans have awareness of suffering?
...
@11:33AM
 1178. sleepy
1179. ███████████████████████████████
1180. thats all i want
...
@12:08PM
 1181. astrology writings crack me up
...
1182. i dont like immature people
1183.███████████████████████████████
1184. but not on my watch
1185. h███████████████████████████████d yo
1186. i wo███████████████████████████████
1187. im out getting burger
1188. this is my cold side in full effect
...
@1:35PM
 1189. i think im rly bitter abt love
1190. i have no idea what would be a good relationship for me
1191. i███████████████████████████████n
1192. i r███████████████████████████████ved
1193. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
1194. boo hoo baby
1195. it doesnt matter
1196. my purpose is leave behind a large body of work
1197. sometimes i feel like i've only just begun
...
@2:15PM
 1198. recurring theme ███████████████████████████████
1199. so i cant bring people in anymore
1200. too risky for me
1201. wow i couldn't have felt more mad yo
1202. this is most angry ive felt in a while
...
1203. o███████████████████████████████
1204. im███████████████████████████████
1205. ███████████████████████████████
1206. funny that ███████████████████████████████ is like "i wanna play show at yrs still"
1207. im like lul last thing i wanna think abt rn ███████████████████████████████ now
1208. LOCKDOWN

1209. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldZKK3WgSFM&list=LL&index=6
 1210. bubbles effect
...
@3:31PM
1211. reminder from the fans....
...
@5:45PM
 1212. ███████████████████████████████
1213. once u get ish working its heaven
...

@7:57PM
 1214. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AfNq8HVpSGY
...
@10:58PM
 1215. feeling uncomfortable in my body
1216. but not overly
1217. the palpitation energy is there
1218. i ate the shitty pasta too
1219. the shitty burger
1220. and the shitty egg cheese sammy
1221. which is so easily accessible
1223. i tink i suffer depression cuz i got so derailed
1224. and start to act incorrect
...
messages sent to 🍓
 (can u read music yet)
 1125. sort of
1126. i dont learn other pieces
1127. i mostly work by ear
1128. but i dealt with alot of midi
1129. and its simliar visually
(messages recieves)
 1130. i haven't studied circle of fifths but i learned scales/key... and like hand technique, i know about concepts although not like delved into lit...
1131. i understand music pretty intuitively i think
1132. i think with music tho like alot of theory is just arbitrary ish tho like (some guy said what about my way with confidence)... like maybe u can become a music buff about "serialism" but... i dunno how to phrase this.... i think its really like infinite... someone like cecil taylor i think magical player cuz really break from construct... and he said "creation is what its about...not technique." but pop music ofc really rigid and comformist to blocks...root note... melody...bridge...
1133. prepation (referring back to cecil's quote) being training the senses
...
from diary #lawdimsogwu
 1134. ███████████████████████████████
1135. frequently people seem to read me as like
1136. not really knowing music
1137. like im not "technical"

1138. ████████████████████████. i was like wtf do u even mean by "technical?"
1139. am i████████████████████████iterature?
1140. when i was playing accordion age 17 my godaunt said "she doesn't really know what she's doing she just playing random notes" and i got really upset...
1141. and often online people ya know dont rly understand my music, gets called pretentious

1142. or like percieved as autistic/bad whatever

1143. just cuz i d████████████████████████utube tu████████████████████████ad up on class████████████████████████understand music... if imma d████████████████████████ bit, i ████████████████████████ understanda ████████████████████████erstand about sound
(they are p████████████████████████but clearly not to most████████████████████████c = music)
...
@11:12PM
 1144. ████████████████████████ ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████... there's nothing███████████████████████████████ about m████████████████████████my own composi████████████████████████s. a████████████████████████n't go to school fo████████████████████████ool for s████████████████████████████████████████████████y hands on tools...... music is really infinite, theres no rules, u make yr own language or u follow the herds.
1145. i take alot of pride in████████████████████████hen████████████████████████nd i know t████████████████████████ most people... i know when peopel hear it, regardless of their emotional reaction, its very ████████████████████████ever ever heard before ██████████████████████████████████████. theres something powerfu████████████████████████ct something like /f to be some mass media consumable or widely apreciated thing (althoug████████████████████████ofi beats████████████████████████genre))).... ███████████████████████████████....
so be it tho ████████████████████████thing (/f)...
...
@11:17PM
 1146. i self taught myself everything... i had a mentor when younger but he didn't teach me shit he told me to go imitate pop music (like jay z) from scratch to learn... and was like tough love kid style
1146. ofc i relate alot to free jazz musicians ig
1147. i come from the same (similar) place
1148. everyone has their perceptions based on whatever bullshits
1149. when i was playing piano at celebrity center lobby (age 16?)... i had no thoughts abt theory... i just liked to play notes... and this man came up to me and asked to name the song i was playing "watercolors" and he said i must be a prodigy... i dunno if Im really that, whatever that could be, i dont think what i played was at all remarkable or prodigious, but ig im natural to improvise.
(██████████████████████████████)
((██████████████████████████████)))
1150. █████████████████████████████████████████████nk
1151. ███████████████████████████████...
1152. im not gonna lie i have music-comic energy... i poke fun of myself alot
1153. b███████████████████████████████
1154. ███████████████████████████████ "hey d███████████████ea████████████████████████ myself ███████████████think its ████████████████████████
1155. t██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████
1156. close minded
1157. im n████████████████████████ /f
1158. im usu████████████████████████love it
1159. if people thi████████████████████████way past w████████████████████████ is
1160. i dont████████████████████████o
1161. i nev████████████████████████ither
1162. or s████████████████████████s
(i made████████████████████████l)
███████████████████████████████
...
[12.29.1021]
 @5:14AM
 1163. on the fourth floor
1164. ███████████████████████████████e
1165. ███████████████████████████████ancin
1166. ███████████████████████████████
1167. i see a screen
1168. owl
1169. pixle art mute organge v stylized
1170. and like sylized crying eyes that are like crescent moon
1171. message
1172. dont give up on intimate love with another person
1173. i kind of scoff
1174. the game begins like 3d dungeon crawl
1175. old game crazy eye ball (rendering eye)
1176. 2d sprite rates like daggerfall
1177. i love the game so much
...
@6:51AM
1178. ███████████████████████████████ showed me yahoo offices
1179. big empty forest yard with a condo
1180. we saw a remote controlled bald eagle that looked like a pinata
1181. in nye, we have to take a big shopping card of shit to my new apt
1182. i lived above a large sewing supply store
1183. i pissed by a man made river
1184. secretly
1185. ███████████████████████████████ asked how long i stay for
1186. she sits me down inside
1187. pizza joint
1188. v grubby
...
@8:56AM
 1189. birth control!
1190. no matter how many times i say i have to focus on ep3 e███████████████████████████████g

1191. dream im in a game 3d person
1192. hard room tight space
1193. two hard enemies one ground one flying
1194. i had some blade attack throw large buzzsaw thingy
1195. i woke up with itch for game challenge
1196. but i know my itch is not worth going thru hassle to find a game that itches that itch
1197. ig id have to make it
1198. the 3rd person game i dreamt i know is called dream:hacker
1199. it takes place in A:N universe ig
...
(NUMBERING FORMAT ERROR)
@1:58PM
 3000. i rly ffd up my numbering for this around
3001. this diary but w/e
...
3002. i felt rly insecure abt /f shit and myself etc
3003. i listened to some /f ish today and i got so hyped and exhilirated
3004. its really a demon
...
3005. its still cold in my house even with the heat on
3006. wtfT_T
...
@2:05PM
 3007. chushi sent me his final tracklist zip for his psalmus release
...
@2:39PM
 3008. making some concepts for ny psalm release chushi...just need to get super glue
3009. its beautiful album
3010. one of the songs is rly tragic i will use for a:n no q
...
@3:34PM
 3011. birthday of the christ cutest girl 3d hentai 4K 60fps
...
@3:54PM
 3012. https://carriswheel.com/chonor
...
@4:24PM
 3013. very rainy today
3014. will prob postpone superglue run....
...
@4:45PM
 3015. cyber goggles
3016. wink glasses
3017. dakimakura
3018. lawsun
...
@5:46PM
3019. 🍓 invite me to her booth at jp sl comiket...
3020. she said it coicides with the real event...
3021. i took alot of photos so... ill post my faves...

























...
@6:46PM
 3022. after comiket...
3023. wandering around my room idly
3024. depression sinks in
3025. im cleaning ns tuff
3026. feeling it upon my back
3027. this empty feeling
3028. i dont wanna say lonely cuz i been fighting to be alone
3029. but i feel ig that love void
3030. its gonna pass
3031. theres no answer to that void i think
...
@6:52PM
 3032. shes rollin!
3033. i am a mf triple legend
...
@7:00PM
 3034. im starting to get sickness with 3d
(i have this with every medium)
3035. cuz im realizing how deep u can go?
3036. i already spoke abt it
3037. i shouldn't worship things like dope ass celest 3d model at comiket
3038. (but i do lowkey)

((its reminds me when i was really devoted to painting at one point... and i painted everyday in my bedroom... my room was very small and i set the easle up by the bed... i painted the only still life at the time... but after that i got lost in myself... i remember having astral experiences with oils... whole areas would come into existance when i painted... but i lost all connection to image.... ya know? its hard to paint when u can't commit to image... or you can't commit to something... i didnt like anything i saw... like im not gonna paint homer simpson ya know? I dont care if god show me that, i wont paint it in, i wont accept that, it would be a sign for me to put the brush down........ i got really depressed... with image....and content....and story.... even with music... constant abstractions.... i would just get lost in forms and phenomenas....and ig actually..... its always like that.... but my moods are really shifting,,, im either gonna feel depressed or happy during those perceptions........)
...
@7:25PM
 3039. this will get you thru
3040. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbneEmTjrow&t=797s
 3041. having realizations about music listener and music maker....
3042. but i dont know how to word it
3043. i feel music makers need to be free and honest
3044. and listeners need to be respectful
3045. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ercIHhgw6kY
 ...
@7:42PM
 3046. transcribe 12 mins ish
3047. this 11:35 ish is some BOSSSS ass ish
...
3048. i transcribed other tracks before...for drums...
3049. i transcribed tabla for supercollider code before too (the Dhruba Ghosh ish)
3050. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
3051. i feel i should go deeper into transcription
...

...
@9:06PM
 3052. im not my art
3053. im much more
3054. but art what im leaving behind
(im just thinking about how i put too much important on the product sometimes)
((as if that's what im really worth... i neglect myself alot))
...
@9:29PM
...
@10:12PM
 3055. caught myself kinda worship sex a lil when i fkd myself
3056. v fleeting nonss
3057. i just always demanding it feel better lol
...
@10:15PM
 3058. when viva kills all the panda we see flashes of dead love corp members
...
[12.30.1021]
 @8:10PM
 3059. stepping stones leading up to mother chamber
3060. twigs jumps across them
3061. im awake is 8
...
@8:20
 3062. thinking about 4th bully this morn
3063. ill prob do a sixth
3064. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
3065. and think yea this is REAL music
3066. i get to carried away with this sh
3067. im also too sensitive to like
3068. who gets attention (the types too) who doesn't maybe cuz im leo
...
3069. divinations can rly affect if u just expose yrself to it
3070. then ur internal mind is reflecting recieving and responding internally
3071. and that's somehow gonna then in turn effect the envrionment
3072. your life
3073. the way you think about things
3074. im not expecting anything bad to happen
(i got death card)
3075. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
3076. my readings haven't always been super on point (per my immediate perceptions)
3077. sometimes u need to reflect back after longer periods of time to make sense
3078. and desires usually are the uprooting of stability in the midst of chaos
...
3079. back on mt doary
3080. mount doary
3081. fuck my ohone
3082. my legs r cute
3083. i hope i have time to eat food
...
@10:22AM
 3084. i am a believer of energy that seeps from the earth and energy put into the earth
3085. proximity to energy is all u need to recieve it and be imbibed
3086. everyone in hollywood has like "hollywood" thoughts
3087. when i moved back to LA
3088. suddenly i made a:n ep1/2
...
@12:39PM
 3089. im scared to speak abt god to people
3090. but im not scared to speak abt god in my diary
3091. i know many people dont relate
3092. and dont ride that riddim
...
@2:00pm
 3093. back at the tea farm in yunnan
3094. i was called didi by the boss
3095. and we got black out drunk
3096. 🍓 found me in the elevator wtih him and expensive escort
3097. ig? enrouate to karaoke
3098. i never saw him ever again
3099. he returned my tea cup
3100. he was really childlike with alot of power
3101. he forced his staff to bring his fireworks
3102. i said on the mic in front of his farm staff that fuijian was the best tea
(i kinda had to)
3103. his staff tried to fight him cuz they knew he was drunk
3104. he knew what he wanted
3105. he force them to procure the box we in the dark area
3106. he lit the firework and held it in front of me
3107. and i flinched he threw the firework and it exploded
3108. he got close to me and told me
3109. to stop being afraid
3110. didi
3112. and shh etc
3113. he play this game with me
3114. until i stopped being afraid
3115. and the firework blew up basically just as he released from his hand
3116. my vision kinda went out
3117. i was being taken away by 🍓 next second in a hurry she was scared
3118. but big boss scare her away and kept me
3119. for the night at least
3120. i felt kinda kidnapped
3121. he just watned to party with me
3122. i was his little token
3123. i felt love towards him
3124. because he loved me
3125. and i watned to work on the farm devotionally
3126. but that was not realistic
3127. im not meant for that
3128. i already got enough taste of his world
3129. kinda gansta tea boss power
3130. hes money as power
3131. he showed off all his fancy motorbikes to the tea girls
3132. he really wanted to showoff his wealth
3133. and his power
3134. he was passionate about his job tho, he rly cared abt pu'er
3135. types like him... he played "dj" as 🍓 said
3136. the tea dj go around yunnan and taste the leaves from the farmers
3137. and they mix those leaves
3138. they play dj mix for the final cookie that gets processed
3139. you shop around the mountains
3140. where the air is so thick with a poison, your life expectancy is low
3141. the whole area was often covered in a thick poisonous fog
3142. and the soil was red like blood
3143. it was a magical place for growing
3144. not only famous for tea
3145. coffee heroin and weed and all kinda things grown there
3146. i dont know how drugs come in and out
3147. im sure the cops are tipped
3148. when fjian drove us out, they didn't check anything in the truck
3149. they just said "fujian" and the cops were instantly at ease and waved us thru
3150. on the way in, as just normal people... they took 20 minutes inspecting my passport
3151. felt like a long time at least
3152. 🍓 was really sad after she recovered me from the elevator
3153. she was so sad
3154. i was just drunk and confused
3155. i was actually enjoying my company with the tea boss because he was so crazy
3156. im drawn to people like that even tho i know they are dangerous or unpredictable
3157. i think i felt like someone loved me
3158. and i get rly drawn to that
3159. because he called me didi
3160. i wish he could call me meimei tho
3161. only in my dream
3162. bout to smell check this ish
...
NYE 💀 reading for 2022/1022
 @5:00PM-6:00PM-ish
 ~
1. money
2. bag of coins. judas. shilling.
3. crystal clear generocity. geniality.
4. sugar power fluff (ornamentalism)
5. viva @ times square (cawa red square)
6. pink juju, stepping thru a mirror.
7. pink floor? 3D models in SL. a fluff
8. 3 combatants, ultra charge third wheel effect
9. ☮️
10. 🍓
11. ultra charm
12. peace charm
13. necklace.
14. affinity for hyper spear
15. languid master toe (the frogs ordinances)
16. i been doin dis ish for a minute! ~ god
17. crunching my garlics with words.
18. dajarhi loongstraat.
19. window licker?
20. something abt aphxtwn
21. ig a generous smile
22. red sole (shoes)
23. viva's wearing red shoes her color is red
24. a very deep conversation about color on the train
25. the mind perception inverse yr words game
26. frowny face over a picture of my ass...flash photography
27. and the front too!
28. :) smile
29. 3 way organismite
30. 1 truth!
31. 1 sword!
32. ice breaker for divinities
33. modes(?) appitstat commander
34. pandas murder club. flamethrower.
35. melted soliders....like flood
36. you can ask questions any you want
37. 🍓
38. great god... if only god knows. he will show up in turning.
39. experience....
40. real shaman shit. 🍓's a real shaman. I saw her holding the junk too through the mirror.
41. I crying
42. heads really hot
43. the divinations like painting too. overwhelm with places to go.
44. are you just tired of all the places in me.
45. god only knows.
46. real sanjoosh!
47. teerat. teejat. ratta ratta.
48. applebees. italian. juice.
49. ordinances. scales. Judath.
50. Justice. Libra. horroscope.
51. cosmology. snot hanging from yr nose.
52. cuz only god knows.
53. the key on the blade magnetized to the earth spirit
54. earth soul:
55. I saw you spiritually, astrally, yr eyes were closed
56. 🍓
57. 🎲 two. on the crystal dove riding an iron fence. of child sticks playing with fire.
58. 🍓
59. set sail for new beginnings. its ok to cry. and let the tears fall into your hands. some restless swans. youll see at the pond! jaja
60. slave is my poetry
61. don't stop what yr my hearing cuz you scared if it should be redacted or not its safe to have a space between you and the performance.
62. you can't really go all the way there, performances artist try, and not make it seem like it's theres no personal interior safe from the eyes of public. (they master the art of illusion of "no interior life")
63. the real mystery of being.
64. george candice 🍓
65. a shallow gregorious gregory, dont mind the mistletoe dregery, She's a hit baby! and alot of them do cocaine. u don't need it tho you have fresh air. and divine intellect. an open mind to be reckoned with.
66. suszie balmar. don't talk to 🍓. hell dont talk to 🍓.
67. she's not good for you know it's hard
68. 🍓, you bitch
69. jaja
70. lee scratch perries smile
71. the weed still works
72. dont hate the flue mind your business
73. 1022
74. money works in your favor.
75. is it not?
76. it is more than it seems
77. and dont forget there's money in the material
78. 🍓: only hardasses come from hell baby
79. only hardasses go to hell and come back.
80. real hardass mofo.
81. I'm a hardass too.
82. emotionally.
83. the broken dream catcher is for you
84. the bones told me to give it to you.
85. in its purest form. no thoughts about fashion.
86. its just spiritual.
87. i just didn't feel 100 abt the cross i got.
88. whistletoe madness.
89. all the angels are with me god is with me
90. and he's protecting me I shant worry not
91. fear not your life will not go unlived
92. as great as all the living could live
93. shout shout let it all out!
94. my family are happy together
95. they dont wanna lose me but they know they already did and it hurts
96. if they don't think trans is real...they might secretly hate that im trans. and think in their inner kingdoms (we lost 🍓 to "lyla")
97. burp
98. i am a beautiful trans woman
99. I'm still me. I just now present as girl.
100. and i ahve this body
101. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
102. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
103. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
104. ██████████████████████████████████████████████████████████████<
105. I just want the e to do it all.
106. cawa spoke to me.
107. it's not clear abt his gender.
108. like it was abt me.
109. 🍓 thought he was a girl until he revealed himiself.
110. poetic lesbian.
111. he was queer.
112. we were in love.
113. he said he regrets killing himself and he said sorry to me and he loves me.
114. I loved him deeply.
115. Cawa is an angel now.
116. the golden pigs got reflected on and blinded her eye at sunset.
((

cawa: "shot of glossy pig skin with kinetic text.
and he lays there but the pigs arent really dirty but smooth and glossy and the sun sets.
yes.
no, more like unusually glossy
like plastic pigs
so glossy that an orange setting sun blinds the protagonist when it reflects from their skin
"
))
117. ep3 will take a while and its alot of hard ass work but imma tough bitch and imma destroy it
118. home run a bitch
119. 2022 1022 !!!!!
120. make shit on the fly with blender
121. get opening stage. shoot. then go from there.
122. shoot, renpy, arrange, next?
123. improvise
124. play
125. the church
126. we go to the church and see the barn
127. and the bible psalm (23)
128. viva leaves her pack of cigarettes

and here are some screencaps from an old google document that cawa and I wrote in together to brainstorm making a VN.
this is maybe 2016-2017 era... RIP cawa!... TEAMCPU 4ever!












links:
https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/8715826
 https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/16406688/artworks
 https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/12886726
 https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/1315655
 https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/710857
 https://www.pixiv.net/en/users/309247
 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8HI8Iy9qIME
@9:20PM
 4000. there is a math present when u are born
4001. there is a math in everything
4002. 3d....
4003. when i saw that crosshatching... i saw verts...
...
[12.31.1022]
 @1:52AM




4004. https://diuersae.bandcamp.com/album/happy-new-year-1022
...
@9:40AM
 4005. yuka mammoth was found in yakutsk

4006. rly hit me deep

4007. i have "talk show culture" thoughts

... @10:59AM
 4008. 100 being watched by angels and god... and with my demons...jeez lawd sista honey brother i can't stand this twitta noise this garbage dump poopy brain shit thinking life style shit getting me all twisted inside out shit
4009. █████████████████████████████████████████████
4010. i like the peace and quiet
4011. not the motorcycle noise the peace and quie███████████████ for that
4012. everybody wants to talk to her
4013. and everybody wants to talk to him
4014. i got a plate full of press and a cup fulla coffee
4015. timelines r the devil for me
4016. peop███████████████us... it makes me feel confused make me wonder maybe ███████████████ave my security maybe id ███████████████f fame that suddenly u might come up
4017. i dont think so this apart who i am at soul level
...
@12:51AM
 4018. workin on chushi's CD rn
4019. finish today forsure

4020. https://pd3.neocities.org/chushi.html
4021. chushi cd released...

(old business card from hs... me and my nerd friends... but the gender / named needed some fixing)